what i'd tell myself at 16.

Rob once told me that time is like a big pie (us, comparing things to food - shocking, I know). If your age is relative to the number of pieces of pie, that's how big a year seems to us. So, if a pie has four pieces to represent your four years of age, each year seems huge - time is so new to us, and the ten minute trip to my grandparents' house as a kid seemed like an eternity. Now, at 26, the pieces of pie keep getting smaller. A year flies by in the blink of an eye, and I crave an extra few minutes in my car to enjoy some good music and a little peace and quiet before I'm on to the next adventure. Rob and I are wedding planning for potential dates in 2014 - and to say it out loud seems like we'll never get there (I keep thinking we'd have to pass through TWO more Christmases before we get married, which seems totally unbearable). But I already know that time will fly by too. Our blissful, kid-on-Christmas engagement will be over before I know it. 

I started thinking about how much my life has changed - not just in the past few years, but over the last decade. To say I'm experienced at life would be total arrogance on my part. There's much to be learned, places I haven't seen, people I have yet to meet and trials and tribulations I have yet to experience. But damn, I wish I could reach back, grab my 16 year old self by the shoulders, shake her into submission and tell her it's going to be okay. At 16, you think you know everything (this is also common at 18, 21, and probably now as well), but you're really so green to the world and you don't even know it. You're so caught up in the boy of the moment, your monster of a teacher, your less-than-fair parents and that bitch who keeps giving you snide looks in second period. If I could, with all of my 26 year old wisdom and knowledge, tell my 16 year old self anything, I'd tell her:

Stop skimming through the cliff notes of all the books you have to read in English. One day, you'll wish you'd spent more time reading the classics and less time watching the Real World and TRL. Also, do not draw on your books. It's not cool, and you'll regret it later when you open up a copy of Catcher In the Rye and there are doodles of hearts and a boy's name in it.

Stop hating your pain-in-the-ass teachers. You'll eventually go to college, work with other kids and other communities and learn that you were so insanely lucky to have such a fabulous school district with the standards that would eventually put you light years ahead of kids who weren't as fortunate as you.

Give your parents some credit. You will look back with disgust at some of the things you did growing up, and you'll understand why your parents tried to deter you from doing them. Blue glittery lipstick is not cool, and neither were JNCO jeans, or liking Limp Bizkit. While slightly over the top, they were probably right to disapprove of you watching that much MTV, listening to 94.5 FM "The Beat" and sneaking out of the house. One day, you'll never want to leave your house, and especially not to walk the streets in the middle of the night "for fun."

One day, you will read a series of books so great that it will completely change the way you feel about literature. So if the classics aren't cutting it for you, please don't despair. JK Rowling will provide you with an entire second world to live in, as well as the best set of accompanying movies anyone will ever make. Then someone else will come along and create a series about vampires that everyone tries to compare to this fabulous series you love, and you will spend the rest of your days arguing with the non-understanders why the vampire series should never even be uttered in the same breath as your magical seven books. Shun the nonbelievers. There's nothing wrong with magic.

Love every minute of every relationship you ever have. If you don't, it'll never lead you to the one that matters. Don't listen to people who think they can tell you how to live your life, and certainly don't bend or shape your decisions to please the people around you. People will disapprove of so many choices you make, but this is your party, not their's. Drink the extra beer, take the extra shot, say yes more, meet new people and don't stop hanging out in a bar just because someone else says you ought to. 

Understand how to treat your body. Everything gets harder the older you get, and please don't think that "dieting" means eating lettuce and chicken all day every day for the rest of your life. Exercise doesn't have to be awful, nor does eating healthy. Educate yourself, compromise, compensate and most of all, find a healthy way to live that you actually enjoy. And please do not wait until your 20s to lose weight. Your 26 year old self will hate you for it.

Don't be scared to explore your passions in college. You don't have to always do what you're "supposed to do." Be willing to take a risk, go after what you want and don't let insecurity trick you into thinking you're not good enough. The world is full of people just waiting to tell you they're better than you - and that's only bad if you believe them.

Don't always listen to your parents. They mean well, but they're also just trying to protect you from what they see as evils and all things inappropriate and unnecessary. Having their voice in the back of your head is probably a good thing, but know when to turn it off. Chances are, they've probably experienced much more than you did and know which of those experiences they'd like their children to have - but honestly, the fun ones are probably the ones they're hiding from you.

Listen to your parents. I know, I'm such a liar. But really. In the big, grand scheme of this thing called life, you really ought to trust them. If they don't like your boyfriend, chances are he's a big douchebag. If they tell you to wait until after college to get a dog, there may be some logic to that notion. You will spend the early part of your adult life desperately trying to get away from their opinions and judgment, and then there will come a time where you don't know how to function without it. One day, you'll want their opinions, blindly trust their judgment and consider them the source of all things holy. 

Enjoy your friends. The older you get, the harder it is to make time for the things you used to take for granted. Friends grow up, grow apart, get married, and have babies. Before you know it, you'll be planning dinners two weeks out, planning for girls' weekends months in advance and wishing it were as simple as riding your bike down the street and spending 8 hours playing outside with the entire neighborhood. 

Learn how to save and budget your money. The small paychecks or allowance you get is easily blown on ice cream and Steak'n'Shake nights after the football game, but your ability to budget $20 will go a long way when you're 26. 

Always remember the sports or activities your high school was known for - they will come in extremely handy if you end up marrying someone from a rival school. Luckily, I'm always able to play the "we have an awesome marching band" card - unfortunately, Rob feels this is irrelevant to the ONE game his school won against mine in football.

There's so much to learn. There's so much to experience - and I standing right on the edge, about to dive head first into a brand new thing called marriage (which I feel like, unfortunately, officially makes me an adult), but I already feel like I've learned so much. Thanks, Mom and Dad, I guess this means you did a good job? (but you obviously already knew that!) 

losing weight sucks.

Let me preface this by saying that this entire post is inspired by the fact that my fiance is eating a giant bowl of ice cream and butterfinger cake, topped with hot fudge and caramel sauce. YEAH. I know, right?

Losing weight sucks. I mean, I know that's obvious, but it is seriously the hardest, most tedious, difficult thing I think I'll ever do in my entire life (maybe second to tolerating my own potential future children). I've talked about weight loss and getting healthy before, but the fact that I'm still here talking about it is proof that a) I'm not there yet and b) it's the most consuming thing in this entire world.

I'm not really sure how I made it so many years being so blissfully ignorant of what I ate and what activity I did. Trust me, I was acutely aware that I was overweight as a kid and a teenager (thanks, mean kids and boys for pointing that out for all those years), but since I've been overweight my entire life, it never really registered with me that I was causing it on my own. Deep down, I knew I was though. When I got my shit in line in early 2009, I easily dropped a considerable amount of weight using Weight Watchers and simply tracking points - and running. After gaining most of it back during a wonderful drinking stint that lasted a good 1.5 years, I quickly learned that it wasn't going to fall off like it did the first time.

Through extensive experimentation (and frequent Chipotle visits), I eventually learned that cutting carbs was my ticket. This, in combination with tracking on Weight Watchers and some serious strength training, zumba and running, has allowed me to lose about 25 pounds since January. Yes, it's taken me that long. It's a slow process, and honestly, it's grueling. I talk a lot about what a struggle this is with other people also struggling to lose weight - and yeah, it's super fun to post before and after pictures for everyone to see, but deep down - this is the shit that drives me up a wall:

I plan every single dinner out for the week on Sundays. I menu plan, plan certain meals according to when I weigh in, according to points I have for the day/week, according to exercise plans. I break down meals by ingredients, shop only for these things and make sure to stock the house with healthy breakfast and lunch options so I'm not tempted to eat fast food or eat out. Yes, some of this is to help us save money at the grocery store, but a lot of it is because I know that if I don't have a meal readily available, I will 100% use it as an excuse to go eat a giant basket of boneless wings.

I panic if I leave my morning or afternoon snacks at home. What in God's name am I going to do at 10:30 a.m. when it's "banana time"and I've left my trusty banana sitting on the kitchen counter? I've obviously trained myself to eat every 2.5 hours, so the donuts in the office kitchen suddenly become so much more apparent when I've failed to plan. Same with afternoon "apple time," which I appropriately rename "cracker time" when my co-worker has a box of delicious buttery crackers just staring at me when I've left my regular snack at home.

I never stop thinking about food. Ever. I know, spoken like a typical fat kid. Sometimes, it's easy for people to just mentally make the choice to lose weight. They're immune to outside temptations, easily say no to cookies and cakes, and can't imagine not going to their morning spin classes. I am not that person. I know myself, and I know I'm always looking for an out. So I have to constantly think about food - what's for breakfast, lunch, dinner. My struggles, successes and frustrations are something I talk about constantly, because this seriously consumes my entire life. It's damn exhausting.

Errands, housework, cleaning and other things I really ought to be making time for easily get put on the back burner so I can exercise. On one hand, I am really happy that I've found a great exercise plan that I LOVE doing, so I don't really hate dragging myself to the gym or outside to go running. That being said, sometimes I don't get home until 8:30-9 at night, which leaves all of about 2 seconds to eat dinner, walk the dogs, get laundry done, and do all the superwoman things that are apparently expected of females. It's such a fine line, trying to balance it all and still be able to enjoy myself without giving up exercise or giving up a clean house. Rob helps A LOT, but he can't do it all, and neither can I.

Why does it have to be so fucking dark out in the morning now? Seriously, mother nature - do you know how many runs I could get in before work if you'd just lighten the hell up? I partially blame Law & Order SVU for making me scared shitless to run when it's dark out, but still. I really would wake up at 5:30 to go running, and I do in the summer.

I am 26 years old and I live in a boring midwestern city. Yes, I have settled down quite a bit and am happy to spend most of my nights walking my dogs, watching Food Network or running errands, but I'm not dead. And without much going on around here, we usually find ourselves in a bar or going out to eat as our main method of socialization. And every single time, I have to figure out how I'm going to compensate for eating something bad - when will I have time to fit in a run to account for the french fries I ate? Because really, Lord knows I'm not going to order a boring piece of plain grilled chicken at the place that sells my favorite deep fried boneless wings. Every single weekend, I do this. And every single Monday, I am up a couple pounds and spend the next four days busting my ass to get back down before I have to weigh in.

I have lost over 25 pounds, but still have not dropped a full dress size. Do you even KNOW how frustrating that is?

I know. This sounds like I'm this miserable excuse of a human being who is doing something really cool about her health but is going to be negative and bitch about it like a dirty bitch. And honestly, I've gotten myself into some really great habits. But I'm so tired. I'm so sick of thinking about food, thinking about points, carbs, weigh in days, intake vs. output. It's never ending, and it's no different than quitting smoking. I've spent about 23 years being blissfully unaware of what I was eating, lost a lot of weight and then went back to being blissfully ignorant and gained most of it back. It's hard to see the same numbers on the scale you swore you'd never see again, but it's also hard to give up margaritas. Am I on top of my shit 100% of the time? No. I'd say about 80/20, and that's why my weight loss has been a slow and painful process. But I'm happy to say I'm still living my life. And in the name of cheesecake, I'll leave you some before and after pictures of my so-far progress. I should note that my before pictures are mostly from 2008 or before. After pictures are within the past few months. There's a long way to go, but all this bullshit has to pay off somehow.

 
 

Here's to the rest of the journey! :)