Getting older is fun. I mean, not in the way that partying all night, making out with that cute guy at the bar and giggling about it with your college roommates at hangover brunch the next day (all on your parents' dime, I might add) is fun - but yeah, sure, growing up is fun. It's a different kind of fun - one filled with new adventures in homeownership, having enough money to take fun trips and learning what a 401k actually is and how it benefits you to have one.
But there are a few things you stumble upon when you find yourself getting older - things you never expected, and things that often come with unexpected consequences. Take for instance the fact that, 24 hours later, I'm still suffering from a food hangover from last night's dinner - and no, there wasn't even wine involved. My body is just at a point where it stops and says to me, "No, this isn't going to work out very well for you." So, without further adieu, here are the things that inevitably happen when you get closer to 30.
You will go back to your college town with all the hope and excitement of reliving that one perfect college weekend, only to realize you seriously can't hang like you used to. Between Bacardi and diets (and you're only drinking rum because the bartender looked at you funny when you asked if they had your preferred bottle of Riesling), you'll be downing 5 hour energy drinks and asking for waters. At brunch the next morning, you'll scoff at the girls who didn't have the decency to take last night's makeup off (because heaven forbid that was ever you).
You will plan out which bills you're going to pay when you get your tax return, not what new pair of shoes to buy. You will have every penny of that blessed tax return carefully put away towards debt, your upcoming vacation or new furniture investments before Turbo Tax can even ask you if you have any dependents to claim. Speaking of Turbo Tax - you'll also know how to do your taxes, instead of just handing them off to your parents and wondering what the hell a W2 is.
Your body will eventually start rejecting anything it views as "excess." Sugars, alcohol, carbohydrates and that extra beer at trivia night will now plague you for at least 24 hours. You'll question whether you're lactose intolerant, if you should go gluten free or if all that Chipotle is really all it's cracked up to be. (Spoiler alert: it is).
You will catch yourself watching 4 hours of HGTV on a Sunday afternoon and planning out how you're going to approach this year's outdoor renovation as opposed to pounding beers at the bar while watching the afternoon game. If you're still pounding beers while watching the game, you're likely doing it at your house, because that way, you don't have to wear real pants.
You will have a quarter life crisis. If it wasn't that weekend you tried to relive college, it will manifest itself in some other way, and to say that you will freak the fuck out would be an understatement. Whether you're at a concert seeing your favorite band and you realize you're surrounded by people who have X's on their hands because they're not 21, or you're passing the "you circa 2007" at the grocery store and realize his cart is full of pizza rolls and Doritos and yours is full of kale and your wife's organic granola - it will happen. There's no way to prepare. I suggest keeping a spare bottle of wine or whiskey in the house at all times.
You will have a party that has a bigger emphasis on food than alcohol. Sure, you're still going to binge drink wine, shitty domestic beer and take shots, but suddenly there are snacks. And not just snacks - delicacies from Pinterest now sit in aesthetically placed serve ware and there are plates and napkins. They're probably still plastic or disposable, but hey, we're almost 30 - we're still broke as shit.
Lowe's and Home Depot are now active words in your vocabulary - and you will pick a favorite. No one equally loves Lowe's and Home Depot. There has to be a winner. Spoiler alert: the winner is Lowe's.
One cup of coffee will no longer cut it. Nor will sugary fun drinks from Starbucks. No, your 8:00-5:00 lifestyle will merit at least two cups a day, and you'll need to establish a preferred brew because that cute, trendy Starbucks habit you picked up in your early 20s will just not fit into your new budget.
The clothes you once deemed as "dress up" clothes will soon become a thing of the past. This especially happens once you get married, as my husband has quickly learned. Now, going out to dinner typically merits a button down shirt that has - gasp - a collar. You'll learn that the only places you feel comfortable wearing a hoodie and yoga pants are the grocery store or the gym. Or, if you'd like, to Lowe's or Home Depot (but remember, not both - pick a favorite).
You will eventually learn that you cannot consume as much food and alcohol as you used to without seeing it on your body somewhere. You will also decide that, in most cases, you'd much rather eat your calories. Food > alcohol.
You will learn that the rack that scored you your first bartending job or that charming smile that got you through that impossibly hard college course with the hot GA will not earn you one single point in the real world if you don't have the work ethic, personality and brains to back it up. Anyone worth having a conversation with will care more about what you bring to the table than what you bring to the bedroom. This goes for absolutely everything, both personally and professionally. Act accordingly.
Getting older has its perks - vacation time, salaries, knowing how to cook a real dinner and being able to afford wine that doesn't come from a box are pretty fantastic, really. Consider all of this a warning though, as there are unintended consequences that often come with things like being able to afford good wine - things like being hungover (or awkwardly drunk alone by yourself on a Tuesday) after just two glasses.
