Everyone loves a success story. Everyone loves a before and after picture of someone who has lost weight, transformed their body, found happiness and gained strength. We all like to see a finished product - the proof that someone was able to make it, to hit a goal and to do what so many of us feel like we cannot do. Our Pinterest boards are littered with motivational quotes, links to weight loss bloggers and pictures of healthy paleo recipes we may never even try. We're roped into diet fads, weight loss programs and gym memberships using those catchy photos of a woman who lost 50 pounds and looks like a rock star. The woman always looks absolutely miserable in her before shot, and always ends up dripping in optimism and smiles in her after photo. We're attracted to success, and to people who make us feel like those before and after pictures could be us one day, too.
Well, pull up a chair, kids. Because I'm going to tell you all about what goes on behind the scenes of those pretty before and after shots we're all so fascinated with. Making a commitment to losing weight and getting healthy is hard, and being open about it with friends, family and strangers is often harder. And once someone decides to make a positive change in their life, all people seem to see is the strength and confidence that comes with that. But what most people don't understand is that usually, there are several moments of defeat, of weakness and of insecurity that break us down before we are able to be built up.
To be honest, there are years of insecurity, tears and hiding half my body behind my friends in photos in my life. There are years of coming home in tears after a day at school because people made fun of me on the bus and called me fat. There are even more years of hearing guys make snide remarks about my weight at bars or on the streets, despite the fact that I felt beautiful in my new outfit before leaving my house those nights. There are years of being the "funny one," and the girl with the "pretty face." There are years of idly sitting by and watching my weight spiral out of control, years of watching my friends get hit on instead of me, years of feeling absolutely awful about myself getting ready next to my "skinny" and therefore more beautiful friends (funny, how the mind works).
Having been overweight most of my life, I cannot tell you the last time I weighed what I do now. I would have to hunt back through doctor's records from my pediatrician, seriously. For as long as I can remember, I've been the fat friend. The fat family member, the fattest of all my boyfriends' friends' girlfriends. I've spent my life automatically going to the back of a rack for size XL in a department store, and I spent every year of high school in tears on my bed after dress shopping for homecoming, prom and winter dance. My shopping trips involved buying anything that would fit me properly, instead of looking for things I actually liked. It involved dodging plus size stores and always wearing cardigans or sweaters that covered the rolls on my stomach that tank tops couldn't hide. On the plus side, it involved years of binge drinking in bars and only worrying about having fun with my friends, knowing full well I wouldn't be attracting the attention of a man. It involved buying designer handbags and shoes because I knew I couldn't outgrow those things.
Despite committing to getting healthy over four years ago, I am still not at goal. My entire process has been consumed by calories, points, carbs, fibers and sugars. My life has been, and will always be, a constant struggle to find balance in the life I knew versus the life I live now. I cannot go into a restaurant and eat mindlessly like I used to, always knowing now that what I eat will require "x" number of miles ran in the morning or a serious ass-kicking at bootcamp. I cannot eat in public without watching others so carelessly enjoy their dinners. I cannot go into Starbucks and watch high school girls order double chocolate chip venti frappuccinos without wanting to grab them by the shoulders and scream, "You realize how awful these are for you?!" I cannot work out in the morning and spend the rest of my day without the itch that I should do something after work to burn more calories. I feel guilty for eating ice cream, and I cannot give myself a break for eating out. I may not always make the right choices, but the guilt that lingers behind every bite of fried macaroni and cheese or every missed workout is something I really wouldn't wish on anyone.
And the worst part of all of it, is that I cannot look at myself in the mirror and be happy yet. Despite having lost over 60 pounds, I cannot see arms that are more toned, a smaller stomach and muscular legs. I cannot see a more defined jaw line and no double chin. For whatever reason, I cannot even see a size medium instead of a size XL. I see puckering buttons, arm fat and plenty of work that lies ahead.
I am proud of how far I've come. And I do not post any of this because I need someone to tell me how proud they are of me and what I've done with my life and my body. I post this because this is the part that they don't tell you. Losing weight and getting healthy will not solve your body issues. It will not suddenly make you as confident as you thought your roommates were in college. It will not automatically make you immune to snide remarks and fat jokes. And most importantly, losing weight does not always equal the perfect equation for loving yourself and your body. There's more at work than just your body dropping sizes. There is more at play than you making one choice to forego the extra beer. Somewhere, there is a person - a heart, a soul and a mind - trying to come to grips with becoming an entirely different person on the outside and inside.
I don't want people to look at someone's before and after photos and think it's as simple as some workouts and eating better. Yes, to make the changes on the outside, there are definite concrete solutions. There are bootcamps, miles to run and "clean" meals to make. There are weight loss programs, support groups and like-minded friends who will help you along the way. But the real struggle - the compulsiveness you discover when you watch people mindlessly eating at Chipotle and you can't help but wonder if they know how many calories they're consuming, or if that's their one "cheat" meal during the week and you wish you could be that free - that's the part no one talks about. No one talks about the years of bullying, and the fact that you were always at prom feeling a little less beautiful than the other girls. And it's important to realize that just because you've lost weight, doesn't mean those moments you wished didn't exist will automatically go away.
I 100% urge you to make the decision to be healthy. Lose the weight now, seriously. And to be honest, I wouldn't trade my compulsiveness in a restaurant or the difficulty of turning down the extra beer for all the mindless eating in the world. It's made me more aware, and less ignorant of my body. But what I also urge you to do is understand that losing weight is not a before and after picture. If you've struggled your whole life, it will continue to be a lifetime of choices, of weighing the good against the bad, the cheesecake against the run and the wine against the bootcamp. It will be a lifetime of trying to find balance, of knowing you're probably working a little harder than someone who has been naturally thin their whole life and hasn't seen the inside of a gym in years.
It will be a lifetime of knowing that there were years of tears, fights with mom in the department store because she insists that Spanx would help that dress be more flattering and you can't bear to try one on. It will be a lifetime of knowing you were made fun of, and that there are people in the world who will measure you by the size of your pants and not your character. But on the flip side, it will be future years of knowing you overcame that. It will be years of knowing what's good for you, and being able to lead others in the same direction. It will be years of helping redefine how we see women and how we want our daughters to look at their bodies and their health. It will be years of encouraging our friends and family to walk with us, run 5k races and try bootcamps. It will be years of carrying that burden of your "pre-weight loss years" on your back but knowing it has made you stronger.
Be the before and after picture. But share your story. Because what people love even more than a before and after shot, is knowing that there was hurt behind it - knowing there was a struggle, there were meltdowns in the shower (ie, me this morning), there were weeks you gained weight, nights you said yes to the extra beer and mornings you ran 3 extra miles because of it. And most importantly - Do. Not. Give. Up. Because you are worth it.
