searching for answers.

It's no secret that even our country's toughest leaders have shed tears in the aftermath of the tragic Sandy Hook shooting. First responders, police officers, political leaders and parents (who, even at age 26, I still believe are some our country's strongest leaders) were photographed in tears, hugging one another, embracing loved ones and hoping that the next hug, the next tear, or the next grief-stricken moment would provide some kind of clarity on how something like this could ever happen. Rob and I sat on the couch Friday night in the dark, watching the constant coverage before I finally burst into tears. It's just too much, I thought. I don't even know these people, and I never will, but I somehow feel so emotionally charged and connected to them right now and I have no idea why.

The obvious answer is because these victims are children. These are the kids who had the lemonade stand at the corner house all summer, the girl who sold you girl scout cookies, and the boy who just learned to ride his bike without training wheels. These are the kids who put cookies out for Santa, who believe there are elves hiding in the school tree that know if they've been naughty or nice in the halls (a brilliant line my best friend and excellent kindergarten teacher came up with for her classroom). These are kids who will now never have first kisses or dates, never walk down the aisle and say "I do," never have the chance to become the next president, an astronaut or teacher. These are parents - some my own age - who are grasping at nothing in the air, trying to make sense out of how they can send their child to school in the morning and go Christmas shopping for that child all day and now wonder what they're going to do with those wrapped presents stowed away in the back of the closet. This is us - you and me - our kids, our neighbors, our families.

And I know this isn't the first time something like this has destroyed a community. This isn't the first time we've been shocked to turn our televisions and see innocent people gunned down in schools, in movie theaters and malls across America. So why is it hitting so close to home this time? Is it just because they're kids? Is it because we, as Americans, have had enough? Is it because it's so close to the holidays, and we've heard stories from teachers and other survivors about how these kids were crying, saying they just wanted to have Christmas?

I should probably note that I am not directly affected by this horrible incident. No one I know was hurt, killed or suffered as a result of this selfish boy's actions. And I'm no expert. I have no psychology degree, no statistics of what access to guns can do or what the lack of access to mental health resources can lead to. I'm you. I'm the girl who was sitting at the office and happened to open up Yahoo and see very few details about a shooting at an elementary school on the east coast. I am the one who was glued to the television all night, who called friends and family and talked about how horrible it was that this could have happened. I'm the one who went home and hugged my dogs and my fiance, just like everyone else did. Just like every other person in this country, I am looking for answers, for understanding, and I am hurting more for these people and these families than I've ever hurt for any other tragedy in this country. I don't know all the details on the shooter's mental health, or the stability of his family or his access to guns (other than that his mother had several), and I really have no desire to argue a political agenda.

But as a person with a beating heart, who loves the hell out of my family, my friends, my dogs and wants nothing but the same for everyone else, I am distraught. I can't begin to imagine what the parents of those children are feeling, but I do know that this massacre has shattered not only their sense of safety, but the rest of ours as well. I can't understand why anyone would ever look towards murder as a way to solve life's problems, but I can at least put my mind around a high school kid getting pissed off enough about being bullied, cheated on by his girlfriend or wronged by the jerks on the football team enough to seek retaliation. It doesn't make it right, but to a society so immune to violence and revenge, the logic behind something horrible like that at least makes sense to us on some level. But this doesn't.

These are our kids. These are our nieces and nephews, these are teachers we graduated with who spend 90% of their time awake making lesson plans for five and six year old kids who then go home every day and tell Mom and Dad what they did at school today. This wasn't my neighborhood, but it could have been. This wasn't my best friend's school, but it could have been. Everywhere today, there are students nervous to go to school, there are parents who struggle to find the appropriate explanation for their first grader, there are teachers on edge to see police officers roaming the halls, and there are grieving parents, brothers, sisters and families. But there are also millions of Americans whose sense of safety has been shattered. This kid (and yes, he was a kid), broke into our lives and stole our sense of stability. He made the "it won't happen to me" possible for the rest of us, and parents across the country are wishing they didn't have to send their children to school today. He made me spend my weekend always looking around the corner, startled at loud conversation or crying kids in stores in the mall, and made me prepare, as I made the long trek out to my car at the mall on Saturday, what I'd do if for whatever reason I found myself in a similar situation.

The Sandy Hook shooting broke into our lives during the most wonderful time of the year and tried to steal what was left of our sense of humanity (as if rude holiday shoppers hadn't shattered it enough). But despite all that, and despite the 15 minutes of fame that the God forsaken media is giving him, he's also sparked something else in us: conversation. Conversation about mental health, something that's been brushed under the rug and pushed to the outskirts of society for decades. Conversation about the importance of listening to our teachers, following rules and the importance of saying, "I love you." Across the country, students are bringing in cards to their teachers with notes of appreciation, and tired teachers want nothing more than to hug each and every one of their students and remind them how important they are.

It's not perfect. And the bad outweighs the good, without any doubt. But for one second, we've started a conversation about one of the most taboo things in the country: mental health. We've put aside our political viewpoints on taxes and the fiscal cliff and have come together as a country in mourning. And we've remembered, once again, how important our educators are, how important our children are, and how desperately necessary it is to preserve hope, life and education in the lives of the people who will one day be in charge of this country. My heart hurts. I don't understand it, and I so desperately want to. But I know I never will, and I know that the families of those affected will struggle harder and longer than I can even imagine. So I will do the only thing I can do: pray, and send a Christmas card to the elementary school.

the feel-good experiment.

I am a slave to the scale. I mean, really. I'm not the crazy who weighs myself morning, noon and night. But I'm definitely a daily weigher. I tell myself it's because I like to see how what I eat affects my body, and weighing myself each morning is a good reminder of what behavior I need to be on every day. But really, let's face it - all it does is make me batshit crazy.

I ate out a lot this weekend. But I also spent equal time working out, and I made pretty smart decisions (those of you who knew me in 2010 will be shocked to know that I turned down Bad Juans Saturday night in exchange for water. I KNOW). Feeling confident about my weekend, I stepped on the scale to see the proof of my hard work.

OH WAIT. That's right. If you'd like to actually meet someone who found a way to gain almost 5 pounds in one weekend, allow me to introduce myself.

Mood: Shitty
Dreams: Crushed

All other healthy choices made over the course of the weekend: Forgotten

Funny how that works. And I know I didn't gain 5 pounds in two days. I know weighing yourself daily is BAD. So, I'm going to do an experiment. Every day this week (starting today, because I weighed myself this morning), I'm going to post 5 things I did each day to stay healthy, avoid temptations and stick to my plan. And I'm not going to weigh myself every day. My official weigh in day is Thursday, so that part will stick - but regardless of what the scale says, I'm going to be able to look back this week and see everything I did to feel good, be healthy and be a great version of me. 

1. I stuck to veggies and lean protein for my snacks today. Green beans get really old, but it's worth it.

2. I first corrected what my mind thought was hunger by drinking tons of water. Guess what? It works.

3. I ran an extra quarter of a mile on top of the workout I had already planned and completed. It's not a lot, but I surpassed my expectations.

4. I planned and prepared a healthy dinner tonight, ate small portions and actually listened to my stomach when I was satisfied.

5. I am now successfully holding the plank for the entire duration of the exercise in my Monday night weights class, and tonight I also did the "extras" she threw in to the plank to amp it up. Damn straight.

We'll see if this works. If nothing else, it's a great way to wrap up the day and refocus for tomorrow.

the greasy truth.

A group of girls goes out to a restaurant to catch up over dinner and drinks. One girl orders pasta with grilled chicken and alfredo sauce, with the most delicious side of cheesy garlic bread your fancy little eyes have ever seen. A couple of the other girls split an appetizer platter that consists of mozzarella sticks, potato skins, buffalo wings and nachos. Margaritas are had, beers are drank, and everyone cheers to a great evening over long island ice teas. No one thinks twice, right?

Now, imagine this: a family gets together for someone's birthday celebration and decides to order pizza. Someone in your family brings over a small salad or shake and eats/drinks it while everyone enjoys pizza. This person tells stories, partakes in the day's events, takes a small bite of birthday cake and gives the birthday kid his present. Chances are, you've been around someone who has done this - drank a shake as a meal, brought their own salad or healthy meal and chose not to eat what everyone else was eating. Chances are, you've also made a comment about it, or heard one made. "So you...don't eat? You drink your meals?" "Oh come on, you can have a few pieces of pizza..it's not going to kill you!" "Why don't you just eat the pizza and then work out afterward?"

Here's the bottom line: The first scenario consists of people consuming probably twice their daily limit of calories in one meal, and no one thinks twice about it. But make a decision to lose weight and stick to it, even if that means you're bringing your shake/salad/meal supplement to a family dinner and awkwardly blend your banana and almond milk together with your protein powder while everyone else's fingers are dripping in pizza grease, and people are all over your ass. Why is our society so okay with watching one another completely destroy our health with greasy food, sugars and carbs? Why is the negative stigma on the girl who is drinking a shake as a meal supplement instead of the girl who ate an entire appetizer platter by herself?

Before you start jumping my ass, let me tell you that I've been both those girls. I've consumed the appetizer platter (and then some), and no one said a word. I've also recently started using a shake to supplement two meals out of my day, and I've been on the receiving end of the "so you're drinking your meals now, and not eating real food?" comments. And let me tell YOU something: both are total bullshit.

My co-worker and I are both trying a new approach to weight loss, and were recently discussing how drinking a shake while everyone else eats 800 calories of pasta draws more negative attention than the notorious "fiscal cliff." I'm not going into the science and nutrition behind using shakes as meal replacements (if you trust me and my knowledge on my health, nutrition and fitness, you'll happily shut the hell up while I tell you, "I got this"), but what I can't figure out is why we're the bad guys. Why, when we care so much about our loved ones and friends' health, are we not placing the negative stereotype on the oversized portions, the added butters, the excess carbs? 

Now please don't get me wrong. I am not at all saying that anyone who is eating healthy is better than someone who isn't. What I'm saying is that as a society, we've become so accepting of things that are horrible for us. We've allowed deep fried Twinkies (RIP, Hostess) and the massive portions at Cheesecake Factory to take precedent over blood pressure and cholesterol. And I get it - everyone's entitled to a little of the bad. Trust me, I've spent the greater portion of my life soaking up the bad, and I'm paying for it now as I bust serious ass to try and fit into a wedding dress. But why, for the love of God, do we harp on the people who turn in early for the night so they can get in their morning run? Why do we hassle the girl who brings her portable little blender on vacation so she can try to stay healthy on the road? Why do we try to talk our friend out of hitting the gym so they can hit happy hour with us instead? 

Why isn't society applauding their willpower and determination? Are we jealous? I know I was. I know I made seriously heinous comments to my mother, who insisted on eating egg beaters for dinner while I scarfed down two plates of lasagna, about how she ought to be able to enjoy the lasagna and eating eggs wasn't worth it. I know I've made completely irrational judgments on people who drink shakes as a meal replacement, or who religiously ran an appropriate number of miles to make up for their crazy night out (I am now this crazy person, too). And I know I felt and acted that way because deep down, I was jealous that I didn't have that willpower yet. I was mad at myself for being overweight, for not exercising, for not taking accountability for my health. Because going out with friends and ordering the giant bowl of pasta is easy. No one says anything. No one makes fun of you, or gives you shit about how you don't need to lose any weight (deep down, we know they're all thinking you do). 

But here's the truth: We don't know people's struggles. We don't know that the girl who has the willpower to say no to eating out will go home and relish in that mental strength for the next 24 hours. We don't know that the guy who orders grilled chicken while the other guys order pizza is determined to look great for his wedding. We don't know that the girl who chooses to have a shake instead of participating in the office carryout order has a dinner that night that she's been excited to attend for a week and is saving the bulk of her calories for it. 

It's the same way we don't know that the girl who just devoured an entire plate of fried macaroni and cheese from Cheesecake Factory was at the gym for two hours knowing full well she wanted to earn that plate of deep fried goodness. That's the bottom line: we just don't know. So why are we so quick to judge? Why are we so quick to outcast someone based on their food or exercise choices? Our society has made it complete hell on someone trying to take on a new healthy lifestyle. Chain restaurants, ice cream stores, festivals and fairs and inexpensive prices on processed foods have made it virtually impossible to take on "healthy" without jumping through at least 6,000 rings of fire.

You can find your niche. You can find your routine, surround yourself with the right people, and get support from the people who mean the most to you, but our society has a long way to go before healthy is "cool." And I'll be honest, I need horrible chain restaurants and deep fried bar food in my life. If mozzarella sticks became obsolete, I would be the first to admit that I'd probably need therapy. All I really want is for being healthy and trying to lose weight to become a less frightening topic to breach with society. I want health, nutrition and fitness to not be so taboo, and for education on it to be approachable and realistic for everyone. I want people to understand that I do eat (all day in fact) even though I'm using shakes to supplement two meals out of my day. 

And really, what I want more than anything else in the world is for people to stop caring so much about what I do or do not eat, and more about what they're doing to be the best person they can be. And if we can get to that point in society, then we probably won't need the People of Walmart website anymore.