losing my habits.

Oh my, friends. I just looked at the date of my last post, and I sincerely apologize for the hiatus I've taken from blogging and, inevitably, for my healthy choices. The truth is, I've been avoiding blogging primarily because I've been avoiding confronting my lack of accountability lately. I refuse to blame being a newlywed as the source of my laziness. Rob and I already lived together prior to getting married so in the grand scheme of things, our lives are hardly any different than before. The months - hell, the year - leading up to the wedding were so stressful and full of meticulous planning. Every minute of every day was planned around work, workout schedules, half marathon training, wedding planning and preparation, on top of all the regular routines of life. Most of us struggle keeping up with the hectic reality of our everyday lives, and it's safe to say I took too much on at one time. Who, me? Never. 

So yes, part of my laziness lately has inevitably been due to the newlywed phase. But primarily, I've been relishing in our lives being back to normal. Normal. I hardly know what that word even means, but as I sit here cozied up with a blanket and a movie, I'm oh-so-consciously aware that I don't have any other obligations sitting on my shoulders. It's both daunting and refreshing, all at the same time.

I've always been driven by goals. Deadlines, due dates, planning and preparation. After college, you're left with so much empty time. No homework, no clubs, meetings and tests to study for. You're no longer obligated to get involved in anything you don't feel like getting involved in, but that means it takes even more gumption and initiative to give more of your time since there's really no motivation to do it anymore except your sheer desire to. That means that evenings are wide open for things like happy hours, ice cream dates, and spending hours on the couch with a good book or movie, a bowl of popcorn and a cup of hot chocolate (did you know that snacks have calories? I know, it's total bullshit).

Making the decision to fill those empty hours with workouts and cooking homemade, healthy meals was a major change in lifestyle for me. I commend myself for building the habit, for sticking with things even before I was "sweating for the wedding" or when I didn't have any major races to train for. I still indulged in life, and always will, but I somehow managed to blend weight loss seamlessly into my life until I was making choices just because it was part of my life, not because I was forcing myself to.

Have you ever stopped a habit? Have you ever built up your running mileage and then taken 2-3 weeks off? Ever swore you'd stop smoking, made it three weeks and then smoked half a cigarette from a friend at a bar? Then you know it's a downward spiral after that. Trying to hit the pavement after a 3 week running hiatus almost feels like starting over. The slightest bit of nicotine in your system can trigger an addictive quality all over again. The bottom line? You broke the habit. Well guess what? I broke the habit.

I came back from wedding wonderland 7 pounds heavier than before I left, and I'm only down about 2 of those. I'll have a day with great choices, get a workout in and spend the next two days eating all the food. I'm without a gym membership right now, and running as my only source of cardio isn't cutting it for me now that I'm not training for a race. This cold weather has me only wanting carbohydrate filled comfort meals, and the dark, cold mornings mean that morning workouts are a thing of the past. Calling this a funk, a rut or an "off week" would be a major understatement.

Yesterday, the Air Force Marathon page on Facebook shared a before and after photo I posted on Instagram shortly following my half marathon last month.

I do before and after shots all the time, mostly as a reminder to myself of how far I've come. But in this one, I had mentioned @afmarathon and they shared it on their Facebook page. It now has over 700 likes and several comments on Facebook, and I am so overwhelmed with the amount of support that's out there for not just me, but for anyone willing to make healthy changes in their lives and talk about it openly. That being said, seeing that yesterday made me feel like I'm hiding a giant secret. Because the truth is that I'm hardly on my A-game right now. I can't stop eating, can't stop making poor choices and cannot for the life of me get my healthy habits back. Those pictures show the success of dedication, motivation and determination - and right now, I am none of those things.

I will be again. And I'm hoping that by writing it openly here, I'll start a series of accountability methods because I really just hate crying wolf. Back when I kept a blog on Weight Watchers, there were a couple years where every few months had a new post about rededicating myself to the plan. I will not rededicate every few months. I will not. I will rededicate NOW, and build back up the healthy habits I know I'm capable of. 

So help me God. 

Here's to just doing it.