the 3 W's: weddings, weight loss and winter.

I've found that with the holidays over, I can officially focus on all the big events taking place this year. I sat down this past weekend to really put some things on my calendar for the year, and I can't believe how much is taking place in 2013 - it sounds like this will not only be my year, but a year to remember for some of my close friends and family as well. This year, my best friend marries her best friend, several other close friends tie the knot, my brother graduates college, and then Rob and I do that cool little thing we call "GETTING MARRIED." There are bridal showers and bachelorette parties to plan and attend, dresses to be worn - and let's not forget, workouts to be completed.

Which is why I am desperately trying not to let the Winter Blues get me down. I struggle big time with seasonal affective disorder - something I'm not quite sure I even really believe in, but I'm positive I suffer from. My motivation goes out the door, and curling up on the couch with Rob, the dogs and my favorite pair of sweatpants for a Lost marathon always seems like a better alternative than braving the cold just for a one hour workout. I usually break up the winter monotony with a trip to Florida, but with all the big wedding plans this year, an extra trip is out of the picture. In an effort to beat the winter depression, I've set myself up with some goals that will hopefully make the worst two months in Ohio slightly more bearable.

I'm going to try two new recipes per month. I've fallen into a rut with my cooking lately, and while I still meal plan and cook almost every night, Rob and I are both getting sick of having the same 7-10 meals all the time. I've recently pinned some wonderful things from Emily Bites and Skinnytaste, and I'm hoping this keeps me on my cooking [and healthy eating] toes during the colder months.

I will not feel guilty when I watch Biggest Loser. Yesterday was my off day from the gym, but I did a little proactive thinking and went running anyway so I could watch the season premiere of Biggest Loser knowing I had done my healthy deed for the day. I always feel inspired when I watch that show, but know I'll never get off the couch after dinner to workout. Healthy eating and feel-good workouts will help me feel like I'm not being left behind by the show - which, in years past, is often how I've felt.

I will stay accountable to my diet and exercise routine. Comfort food and sweats are the peak moments of winter, which doesn't bode well for my healthy lifestyle and big plans of not having arm flab in my wedding dress. Now that we've closed the door on the holidays, I can get back to real life and my regular exercise routine. Rob is trying to lose weight for the wedding as well, which makes it so much easier to stick to our healthy eating plan. Everything is better when you have a partner in crime!

Plan my wedding. I know this sounds like a given, but I am the queen of procrastination and well, that doesn't always fly when you're planning a wedding. Giving myself weekly to-do lists and small goals to accomplish will keep me engaged with my own planning and not let important things fall by the wayside. It's not that I'm not totally excited about getting married - but I work so much better under pressure and if it were up to me, all planning would be done the week before the big day. This week, I'm sending out save the date's - does this mean I can chill until next week?

Engage myself in my friends' weddings. Helping my best friend plan her wedding and assisting friends in any way I can is so much easier, less stressful and often so much more fun than doing my own. Decisions come easier when it's not your centerpiece, flowers and bachelorette party. Helping people by being the voice of logic, reason, or just the person to vent to over crazy vendors and meltdowns is sometimes more help than anything else. Clearly I've missed my calling in wedding planning.

Read more. Television gets boring. So does Pinterest, and Lord knows I'm sick of reading everyone's sob story on Facebook. I've taken a brief hiatus from reading and I miss losing myself in a book. I'm now reading all the Harry Potter books [again], and I find myself wrapped up in them just as much as I did the first time I read them.

Hopefully I can survive the hibernation of winter and wake up in April when we've stopped the below freezing temperatures. Humans should not have to function in anything below 55 degrees, but the least we can do is make things interesting until the sun shines again.

i always believed in futures.

Happy 2013, friends! I hope you all woke this morning to hangover free happiness [or at least some awesome hangover food]. I guess this will be my cliche reflection post, where I get super sentimental about all of my accomplishments in 2012 and get teary eyed thinking about 2013. Right, because I'm super heartfelt and emotional. But really, 2012 has been one for the books. As I sit here sandwiched between two sleeping dogs (still worn out from last night's festivities), I keep trying to put both feet on the ground and stand still for a brief second, realizing that if this past year has been any indication as to what the future holds, 2013 is going to be a whirlwind.

I can't really be anything less than tacky when I say that Rob and I had the ultimate relationship year in 2012. We celebrated our one year anniversary, adopted our second dog from a rescue, bought a new car, road tripped to Virginia Beach, Outer Banks, Hilton Head [twice - one for wedding planning, eek!!], made countless trips to the lake, took hundreds of long walks with the dogs, visited family in Florida, survived a broken hand and its accompanying surgeries and therapy, started a new job, celebrated countless birthdays, engagements and marriages with our best friends and oh, I don't know, GOT ENGAGED. Damn.

On a personal front, I managed to lose 35 pounds, buy pants in a size I have not worn since high school (did you read that - HIGH SCHOOL), fell in love with two new exercise routines in addition to continuing my love with running, found this wonderful thing called "balance" between work, play and taking care of myself, and managed to get rid of a lot of my "fat clothes" for the last time. I bought a wedding dress, watched one of my best friends marry her best friend and was asked to be maid of honor in my best friend's wedding in 2013.

Every time I sat down for a minute to relax and take it all in, we were on to the next adventure. And as I sit here now, I realize that my moment on the couch will be brief (especially if there's not an SVU marathon on today). There are wedding plans to be made, pounds to lose, new recipes to try, friends' successes to celebrate and dogs to be walked. There is wine to be drank, hugs to be given and one very large man child that I'm marrying who has already decided that this year, we're going to be more adventurous and outdoorsy (squeeze that in between getting married on the beach and Wednesday night Zumba). In years past, I've always made my only resolution to simply be to improve on the previous year. And so far, it's worked. But this year, I've set some concrete resolutions and I've never felt more intensity and dedication to see them through than I do now.

Hit my goal weight. I'm more than halfway there, and I have a wedding dress to fit into. If that isn't motivation enough, then someone just shoot me in the face.

Be more proactive about "adult things." Like that chip in the wall, the unfinished cabinet, or the fact that my office at home looks like an episode of Hoarders.

Tweet more, Facebook less. This has been a long time coming, and I already started. If you care to continue seeing the sarcastic details of my life, I suggest to come to Twitter and play with me [@lmayberry].

Socialize more. Rob and I were pretty bad about going out and socializing this past year. With several trips, workouts, and big life events taking place, we took advantage of any downtime we had and enjoyed it on the couch. Celebrating the holidays with friends these past few weeks has made me realize how much I missed it.

Marry my best friend. I know, right?

Be a better listener. I'm horrible about listening to things that don't interest me, or that come up when I'm in the middle of something. It's poor manners, and not good for my relationships with others. I will try harder. Try.

Stop saying "fuck" so much. But damnit, it's so hard.

They're simple things, and easy to do in the midst of all the big things that will happen this year. I hope that whatever you resolve to do in this new year, it will involve laughing more, loving harder and being more engaged with your own life and less involved in things that do not concern you. Life is too short, and human relationships are so undervalued in this world of social media and technology we live in. Be there, listen, and actively participate in your own life. Cheers!

searching for answers.

It's no secret that even our country's toughest leaders have shed tears in the aftermath of the tragic Sandy Hook shooting. First responders, police officers, political leaders and parents (who, even at age 26, I still believe are some our country's strongest leaders) were photographed in tears, hugging one another, embracing loved ones and hoping that the next hug, the next tear, or the next grief-stricken moment would provide some kind of clarity on how something like this could ever happen. Rob and I sat on the couch Friday night in the dark, watching the constant coverage before I finally burst into tears. It's just too much, I thought. I don't even know these people, and I never will, but I somehow feel so emotionally charged and connected to them right now and I have no idea why.

The obvious answer is because these victims are children. These are the kids who had the lemonade stand at the corner house all summer, the girl who sold you girl scout cookies, and the boy who just learned to ride his bike without training wheels. These are the kids who put cookies out for Santa, who believe there are elves hiding in the school tree that know if they've been naughty or nice in the halls (a brilliant line my best friend and excellent kindergarten teacher came up with for her classroom). These are kids who will now never have first kisses or dates, never walk down the aisle and say "I do," never have the chance to become the next president, an astronaut or teacher. These are parents - some my own age - who are grasping at nothing in the air, trying to make sense out of how they can send their child to school in the morning and go Christmas shopping for that child all day and now wonder what they're going to do with those wrapped presents stowed away in the back of the closet. This is us - you and me - our kids, our neighbors, our families.

And I know this isn't the first time something like this has destroyed a community. This isn't the first time we've been shocked to turn our televisions and see innocent people gunned down in schools, in movie theaters and malls across America. So why is it hitting so close to home this time? Is it just because they're kids? Is it because we, as Americans, have had enough? Is it because it's so close to the holidays, and we've heard stories from teachers and other survivors about how these kids were crying, saying they just wanted to have Christmas?

I should probably note that I am not directly affected by this horrible incident. No one I know was hurt, killed or suffered as a result of this selfish boy's actions. And I'm no expert. I have no psychology degree, no statistics of what access to guns can do or what the lack of access to mental health resources can lead to. I'm you. I'm the girl who was sitting at the office and happened to open up Yahoo and see very few details about a shooting at an elementary school on the east coast. I am the one who was glued to the television all night, who called friends and family and talked about how horrible it was that this could have happened. I'm the one who went home and hugged my dogs and my fiance, just like everyone else did. Just like every other person in this country, I am looking for answers, for understanding, and I am hurting more for these people and these families than I've ever hurt for any other tragedy in this country. I don't know all the details on the shooter's mental health, or the stability of his family or his access to guns (other than that his mother had several), and I really have no desire to argue a political agenda.

But as a person with a beating heart, who loves the hell out of my family, my friends, my dogs and wants nothing but the same for everyone else, I am distraught. I can't begin to imagine what the parents of those children are feeling, but I do know that this massacre has shattered not only their sense of safety, but the rest of ours as well. I can't understand why anyone would ever look towards murder as a way to solve life's problems, but I can at least put my mind around a high school kid getting pissed off enough about being bullied, cheated on by his girlfriend or wronged by the jerks on the football team enough to seek retaliation. It doesn't make it right, but to a society so immune to violence and revenge, the logic behind something horrible like that at least makes sense to us on some level. But this doesn't.

These are our kids. These are our nieces and nephews, these are teachers we graduated with who spend 90% of their time awake making lesson plans for five and six year old kids who then go home every day and tell Mom and Dad what they did at school today. This wasn't my neighborhood, but it could have been. This wasn't my best friend's school, but it could have been. Everywhere today, there are students nervous to go to school, there are parents who struggle to find the appropriate explanation for their first grader, there are teachers on edge to see police officers roaming the halls, and there are grieving parents, brothers, sisters and families. But there are also millions of Americans whose sense of safety has been shattered. This kid (and yes, he was a kid), broke into our lives and stole our sense of stability. He made the "it won't happen to me" possible for the rest of us, and parents across the country are wishing they didn't have to send their children to school today. He made me spend my weekend always looking around the corner, startled at loud conversation or crying kids in stores in the mall, and made me prepare, as I made the long trek out to my car at the mall on Saturday, what I'd do if for whatever reason I found myself in a similar situation.

The Sandy Hook shooting broke into our lives during the most wonderful time of the year and tried to steal what was left of our sense of humanity (as if rude holiday shoppers hadn't shattered it enough). But despite all that, and despite the 15 minutes of fame that the God forsaken media is giving him, he's also sparked something else in us: conversation. Conversation about mental health, something that's been brushed under the rug and pushed to the outskirts of society for decades. Conversation about the importance of listening to our teachers, following rules and the importance of saying, "I love you." Across the country, students are bringing in cards to their teachers with notes of appreciation, and tired teachers want nothing more than to hug each and every one of their students and remind them how important they are.

It's not perfect. And the bad outweighs the good, without any doubt. But for one second, we've started a conversation about one of the most taboo things in the country: mental health. We've put aside our political viewpoints on taxes and the fiscal cliff and have come together as a country in mourning. And we've remembered, once again, how important our educators are, how important our children are, and how desperately necessary it is to preserve hope, life and education in the lives of the people who will one day be in charge of this country. My heart hurts. I don't understand it, and I so desperately want to. But I know I never will, and I know that the families of those affected will struggle harder and longer than I can even imagine. So I will do the only thing I can do: pray, and send a Christmas card to the elementary school.

the feel-good experiment.

I am a slave to the scale. I mean, really. I'm not the crazy who weighs myself morning, noon and night. But I'm definitely a daily weigher. I tell myself it's because I like to see how what I eat affects my body, and weighing myself each morning is a good reminder of what behavior I need to be on every day. But really, let's face it - all it does is make me batshit crazy.

I ate out a lot this weekend. But I also spent equal time working out, and I made pretty smart decisions (those of you who knew me in 2010 will be shocked to know that I turned down Bad Juans Saturday night in exchange for water. I KNOW). Feeling confident about my weekend, I stepped on the scale to see the proof of my hard work.

OH WAIT. That's right. If you'd like to actually meet someone who found a way to gain almost 5 pounds in one weekend, allow me to introduce myself.

Mood: Shitty
Dreams: Crushed

All other healthy choices made over the course of the weekend: Forgotten

Funny how that works. And I know I didn't gain 5 pounds in two days. I know weighing yourself daily is BAD. So, I'm going to do an experiment. Every day this week (starting today, because I weighed myself this morning), I'm going to post 5 things I did each day to stay healthy, avoid temptations and stick to my plan. And I'm not going to weigh myself every day. My official weigh in day is Thursday, so that part will stick - but regardless of what the scale says, I'm going to be able to look back this week and see everything I did to feel good, be healthy and be a great version of me. 

1. I stuck to veggies and lean protein for my snacks today. Green beans get really old, but it's worth it.

2. I first corrected what my mind thought was hunger by drinking tons of water. Guess what? It works.

3. I ran an extra quarter of a mile on top of the workout I had already planned and completed. It's not a lot, but I surpassed my expectations.

4. I planned and prepared a healthy dinner tonight, ate small portions and actually listened to my stomach when I was satisfied.

5. I am now successfully holding the plank for the entire duration of the exercise in my Monday night weights class, and tonight I also did the "extras" she threw in to the plank to amp it up. Damn straight.

We'll see if this works. If nothing else, it's a great way to wrap up the day and refocus for tomorrow.

the greasy truth.

A group of girls goes out to a restaurant to catch up over dinner and drinks. One girl orders pasta with grilled chicken and alfredo sauce, with the most delicious side of cheesy garlic bread your fancy little eyes have ever seen. A couple of the other girls split an appetizer platter that consists of mozzarella sticks, potato skins, buffalo wings and nachos. Margaritas are had, beers are drank, and everyone cheers to a great evening over long island ice teas. No one thinks twice, right?

Now, imagine this: a family gets together for someone's birthday celebration and decides to order pizza. Someone in your family brings over a small salad or shake and eats/drinks it while everyone enjoys pizza. This person tells stories, partakes in the day's events, takes a small bite of birthday cake and gives the birthday kid his present. Chances are, you've been around someone who has done this - drank a shake as a meal, brought their own salad or healthy meal and chose not to eat what everyone else was eating. Chances are, you've also made a comment about it, or heard one made. "So you...don't eat? You drink your meals?" "Oh come on, you can have a few pieces of pizza..it's not going to kill you!" "Why don't you just eat the pizza and then work out afterward?"

Here's the bottom line: The first scenario consists of people consuming probably twice their daily limit of calories in one meal, and no one thinks twice about it. But make a decision to lose weight and stick to it, even if that means you're bringing your shake/salad/meal supplement to a family dinner and awkwardly blend your banana and almond milk together with your protein powder while everyone else's fingers are dripping in pizza grease, and people are all over your ass. Why is our society so okay with watching one another completely destroy our health with greasy food, sugars and carbs? Why is the negative stigma on the girl who is drinking a shake as a meal supplement instead of the girl who ate an entire appetizer platter by herself?

Before you start jumping my ass, let me tell you that I've been both those girls. I've consumed the appetizer platter (and then some), and no one said a word. I've also recently started using a shake to supplement two meals out of my day, and I've been on the receiving end of the "so you're drinking your meals now, and not eating real food?" comments. And let me tell YOU something: both are total bullshit.

My co-worker and I are both trying a new approach to weight loss, and were recently discussing how drinking a shake while everyone else eats 800 calories of pasta draws more negative attention than the notorious "fiscal cliff." I'm not going into the science and nutrition behind using shakes as meal replacements (if you trust me and my knowledge on my health, nutrition and fitness, you'll happily shut the hell up while I tell you, "I got this"), but what I can't figure out is why we're the bad guys. Why, when we care so much about our loved ones and friends' health, are we not placing the negative stereotype on the oversized portions, the added butters, the excess carbs? 

Now please don't get me wrong. I am not at all saying that anyone who is eating healthy is better than someone who isn't. What I'm saying is that as a society, we've become so accepting of things that are horrible for us. We've allowed deep fried Twinkies (RIP, Hostess) and the massive portions at Cheesecake Factory to take precedent over blood pressure and cholesterol. And I get it - everyone's entitled to a little of the bad. Trust me, I've spent the greater portion of my life soaking up the bad, and I'm paying for it now as I bust serious ass to try and fit into a wedding dress. But why, for the love of God, do we harp on the people who turn in early for the night so they can get in their morning run? Why do we hassle the girl who brings her portable little blender on vacation so she can try to stay healthy on the road? Why do we try to talk our friend out of hitting the gym so they can hit happy hour with us instead? 

Why isn't society applauding their willpower and determination? Are we jealous? I know I was. I know I made seriously heinous comments to my mother, who insisted on eating egg beaters for dinner while I scarfed down two plates of lasagna, about how she ought to be able to enjoy the lasagna and eating eggs wasn't worth it. I know I've made completely irrational judgments on people who drink shakes as a meal replacement, or who religiously ran an appropriate number of miles to make up for their crazy night out (I am now this crazy person, too). And I know I felt and acted that way because deep down, I was jealous that I didn't have that willpower yet. I was mad at myself for being overweight, for not exercising, for not taking accountability for my health. Because going out with friends and ordering the giant bowl of pasta is easy. No one says anything. No one makes fun of you, or gives you shit about how you don't need to lose any weight (deep down, we know they're all thinking you do). 

But here's the truth: We don't know people's struggles. We don't know that the girl who has the willpower to say no to eating out will go home and relish in that mental strength for the next 24 hours. We don't know that the guy who orders grilled chicken while the other guys order pizza is determined to look great for his wedding. We don't know that the girl who chooses to have a shake instead of participating in the office carryout order has a dinner that night that she's been excited to attend for a week and is saving the bulk of her calories for it. 

It's the same way we don't know that the girl who just devoured an entire plate of fried macaroni and cheese from Cheesecake Factory was at the gym for two hours knowing full well she wanted to earn that plate of deep fried goodness. That's the bottom line: we just don't know. So why are we so quick to judge? Why are we so quick to outcast someone based on their food or exercise choices? Our society has made it complete hell on someone trying to take on a new healthy lifestyle. Chain restaurants, ice cream stores, festivals and fairs and inexpensive prices on processed foods have made it virtually impossible to take on "healthy" without jumping through at least 6,000 rings of fire.

You can find your niche. You can find your routine, surround yourself with the right people, and get support from the people who mean the most to you, but our society has a long way to go before healthy is "cool." And I'll be honest, I need horrible chain restaurants and deep fried bar food in my life. If mozzarella sticks became obsolete, I would be the first to admit that I'd probably need therapy. All I really want is for being healthy and trying to lose weight to become a less frightening topic to breach with society. I want health, nutrition and fitness to not be so taboo, and for education on it to be approachable and realistic for everyone. I want people to understand that I do eat (all day in fact) even though I'm using shakes to supplement two meals out of my day. 

And really, what I want more than anything else in the world is for people to stop caring so much about what I do or do not eat, and more about what they're doing to be the best person they can be. And if we can get to that point in society, then we probably won't need the People of Walmart website anymore.

what i'd tell myself at 16.

Rob once told me that time is like a big pie (us, comparing things to food - shocking, I know). If your age is relative to the number of pieces of pie, that's how big a year seems to us. So, if a pie has four pieces to represent your four years of age, each year seems huge - time is so new to us, and the ten minute trip to my grandparents' house as a kid seemed like an eternity. Now, at 26, the pieces of pie keep getting smaller. A year flies by in the blink of an eye, and I crave an extra few minutes in my car to enjoy some good music and a little peace and quiet before I'm on to the next adventure. Rob and I are wedding planning for potential dates in 2014 - and to say it out loud seems like we'll never get there (I keep thinking we'd have to pass through TWO more Christmases before we get married, which seems totally unbearable). But I already know that time will fly by too. Our blissful, kid-on-Christmas engagement will be over before I know it. 

I started thinking about how much my life has changed - not just in the past few years, but over the last decade. To say I'm experienced at life would be total arrogance on my part. There's much to be learned, places I haven't seen, people I have yet to meet and trials and tribulations I have yet to experience. But damn, I wish I could reach back, grab my 16 year old self by the shoulders, shake her into submission and tell her it's going to be okay. At 16, you think you know everything (this is also common at 18, 21, and probably now as well), but you're really so green to the world and you don't even know it. You're so caught up in the boy of the moment, your monster of a teacher, your less-than-fair parents and that bitch who keeps giving you snide looks in second period. If I could, with all of my 26 year old wisdom and knowledge, tell my 16 year old self anything, I'd tell her:

Stop skimming through the cliff notes of all the books you have to read in English. One day, you'll wish you'd spent more time reading the classics and less time watching the Real World and TRL. Also, do not draw on your books. It's not cool, and you'll regret it later when you open up a copy of Catcher In the Rye and there are doodles of hearts and a boy's name in it.

Stop hating your pain-in-the-ass teachers. You'll eventually go to college, work with other kids and other communities and learn that you were so insanely lucky to have such a fabulous school district with the standards that would eventually put you light years ahead of kids who weren't as fortunate as you.

Give your parents some credit. You will look back with disgust at some of the things you did growing up, and you'll understand why your parents tried to deter you from doing them. Blue glittery lipstick is not cool, and neither were JNCO jeans, or liking Limp Bizkit. While slightly over the top, they were probably right to disapprove of you watching that much MTV, listening to 94.5 FM "The Beat" and sneaking out of the house. One day, you'll never want to leave your house, and especially not to walk the streets in the middle of the night "for fun."

One day, you will read a series of books so great that it will completely change the way you feel about literature. So if the classics aren't cutting it for you, please don't despair. JK Rowling will provide you with an entire second world to live in, as well as the best set of accompanying movies anyone will ever make. Then someone else will come along and create a series about vampires that everyone tries to compare to this fabulous series you love, and you will spend the rest of your days arguing with the non-understanders why the vampire series should never even be uttered in the same breath as your magical seven books. Shun the nonbelievers. There's nothing wrong with magic.

Love every minute of every relationship you ever have. If you don't, it'll never lead you to the one that matters. Don't listen to people who think they can tell you how to live your life, and certainly don't bend or shape your decisions to please the people around you. People will disapprove of so many choices you make, but this is your party, not their's. Drink the extra beer, take the extra shot, say yes more, meet new people and don't stop hanging out in a bar just because someone else says you ought to. 

Understand how to treat your body. Everything gets harder the older you get, and please don't think that "dieting" means eating lettuce and chicken all day every day for the rest of your life. Exercise doesn't have to be awful, nor does eating healthy. Educate yourself, compromise, compensate and most of all, find a healthy way to live that you actually enjoy. And please do not wait until your 20s to lose weight. Your 26 year old self will hate you for it.

Don't be scared to explore your passions in college. You don't have to always do what you're "supposed to do." Be willing to take a risk, go after what you want and don't let insecurity trick you into thinking you're not good enough. The world is full of people just waiting to tell you they're better than you - and that's only bad if you believe them.

Don't always listen to your parents. They mean well, but they're also just trying to protect you from what they see as evils and all things inappropriate and unnecessary. Having their voice in the back of your head is probably a good thing, but know when to turn it off. Chances are, they've probably experienced much more than you did and know which of those experiences they'd like their children to have - but honestly, the fun ones are probably the ones they're hiding from you.

Listen to your parents. I know, I'm such a liar. But really. In the big, grand scheme of this thing called life, you really ought to trust them. If they don't like your boyfriend, chances are he's a big douchebag. If they tell you to wait until after college to get a dog, there may be some logic to that notion. You will spend the early part of your adult life desperately trying to get away from their opinions and judgment, and then there will come a time where you don't know how to function without it. One day, you'll want their opinions, blindly trust their judgment and consider them the source of all things holy. 

Enjoy your friends. The older you get, the harder it is to make time for the things you used to take for granted. Friends grow up, grow apart, get married, and have babies. Before you know it, you'll be planning dinners two weeks out, planning for girls' weekends months in advance and wishing it were as simple as riding your bike down the street and spending 8 hours playing outside with the entire neighborhood. 

Learn how to save and budget your money. The small paychecks or allowance you get is easily blown on ice cream and Steak'n'Shake nights after the football game, but your ability to budget $20 will go a long way when you're 26. 

Always remember the sports or activities your high school was known for - they will come in extremely handy if you end up marrying someone from a rival school. Luckily, I'm always able to play the "we have an awesome marching band" card - unfortunately, Rob feels this is irrelevant to the ONE game his school won against mine in football.

There's so much to learn. There's so much to experience - and I standing right on the edge, about to dive head first into a brand new thing called marriage (which I feel like, unfortunately, officially makes me an adult), but I already feel like I've learned so much. Thanks, Mom and Dad, I guess this means you did a good job? (but you obviously already knew that!) 

losing weight sucks.

Let me preface this by saying that this entire post is inspired by the fact that my fiance is eating a giant bowl of ice cream and butterfinger cake, topped with hot fudge and caramel sauce. YEAH. I know, right?

Losing weight sucks. I mean, I know that's obvious, but it is seriously the hardest, most tedious, difficult thing I think I'll ever do in my entire life (maybe second to tolerating my own potential future children). I've talked about weight loss and getting healthy before, but the fact that I'm still here talking about it is proof that a) I'm not there yet and b) it's the most consuming thing in this entire world.

I'm not really sure how I made it so many years being so blissfully ignorant of what I ate and what activity I did. Trust me, I was acutely aware that I was overweight as a kid and a teenager (thanks, mean kids and boys for pointing that out for all those years), but since I've been overweight my entire life, it never really registered with me that I was causing it on my own. Deep down, I knew I was though. When I got my shit in line in early 2009, I easily dropped a considerable amount of weight using Weight Watchers and simply tracking points - and running. After gaining most of it back during a wonderful drinking stint that lasted a good 1.5 years, I quickly learned that it wasn't going to fall off like it did the first time.

Through extensive experimentation (and frequent Chipotle visits), I eventually learned that cutting carbs was my ticket. This, in combination with tracking on Weight Watchers and some serious strength training, zumba and running, has allowed me to lose about 25 pounds since January. Yes, it's taken me that long. It's a slow process, and honestly, it's grueling. I talk a lot about what a struggle this is with other people also struggling to lose weight - and yeah, it's super fun to post before and after pictures for everyone to see, but deep down - this is the shit that drives me up a wall:

I plan every single dinner out for the week on Sundays. I menu plan, plan certain meals according to when I weigh in, according to points I have for the day/week, according to exercise plans. I break down meals by ingredients, shop only for these things and make sure to stock the house with healthy breakfast and lunch options so I'm not tempted to eat fast food or eat out. Yes, some of this is to help us save money at the grocery store, but a lot of it is because I know that if I don't have a meal readily available, I will 100% use it as an excuse to go eat a giant basket of boneless wings.

I panic if I leave my morning or afternoon snacks at home. What in God's name am I going to do at 10:30 a.m. when it's "banana time"and I've left my trusty banana sitting on the kitchen counter? I've obviously trained myself to eat every 2.5 hours, so the donuts in the office kitchen suddenly become so much more apparent when I've failed to plan. Same with afternoon "apple time," which I appropriately rename "cracker time" when my co-worker has a box of delicious buttery crackers just staring at me when I've left my regular snack at home.

I never stop thinking about food. Ever. I know, spoken like a typical fat kid. Sometimes, it's easy for people to just mentally make the choice to lose weight. They're immune to outside temptations, easily say no to cookies and cakes, and can't imagine not going to their morning spin classes. I am not that person. I know myself, and I know I'm always looking for an out. So I have to constantly think about food - what's for breakfast, lunch, dinner. My struggles, successes and frustrations are something I talk about constantly, because this seriously consumes my entire life. It's damn exhausting.

Errands, housework, cleaning and other things I really ought to be making time for easily get put on the back burner so I can exercise. On one hand, I am really happy that I've found a great exercise plan that I LOVE doing, so I don't really hate dragging myself to the gym or outside to go running. That being said, sometimes I don't get home until 8:30-9 at night, which leaves all of about 2 seconds to eat dinner, walk the dogs, get laundry done, and do all the superwoman things that are apparently expected of females. It's such a fine line, trying to balance it all and still be able to enjoy myself without giving up exercise or giving up a clean house. Rob helps A LOT, but he can't do it all, and neither can I.

Why does it have to be so fucking dark out in the morning now? Seriously, mother nature - do you know how many runs I could get in before work if you'd just lighten the hell up? I partially blame Law & Order SVU for making me scared shitless to run when it's dark out, but still. I really would wake up at 5:30 to go running, and I do in the summer.

I am 26 years old and I live in a boring midwestern city. Yes, I have settled down quite a bit and am happy to spend most of my nights walking my dogs, watching Food Network or running errands, but I'm not dead. And without much going on around here, we usually find ourselves in a bar or going out to eat as our main method of socialization. And every single time, I have to figure out how I'm going to compensate for eating something bad - when will I have time to fit in a run to account for the french fries I ate? Because really, Lord knows I'm not going to order a boring piece of plain grilled chicken at the place that sells my favorite deep fried boneless wings. Every single weekend, I do this. And every single Monday, I am up a couple pounds and spend the next four days busting my ass to get back down before I have to weigh in.

I have lost over 25 pounds, but still have not dropped a full dress size. Do you even KNOW how frustrating that is?

I know. This sounds like I'm this miserable excuse of a human being who is doing something really cool about her health but is going to be negative and bitch about it like a dirty bitch. And honestly, I've gotten myself into some really great habits. But I'm so tired. I'm so sick of thinking about food, thinking about points, carbs, weigh in days, intake vs. output. It's never ending, and it's no different than quitting smoking. I've spent about 23 years being blissfully unaware of what I was eating, lost a lot of weight and then went back to being blissfully ignorant and gained most of it back. It's hard to see the same numbers on the scale you swore you'd never see again, but it's also hard to give up margaritas. Am I on top of my shit 100% of the time? No. I'd say about 80/20, and that's why my weight loss has been a slow and painful process. But I'm happy to say I'm still living my life. And in the name of cheesecake, I'll leave you some before and after pictures of my so-far progress. I should note that my before pictures are mostly from 2008 or before. After pictures are within the past few months. There's a long way to go, but all this bullshit has to pay off somehow.

 
 

Here's to the rest of the journey! :)