keep doing things right.

I've been reading quite a few blogs lately about women who are REAL. Who acknowledge that life isn't perfect, that they will miss workouts, eat too much, drink too much and fall off the healthy bandwagon a time or two (or three....or four). It's refreshing to not feel held to such unrealistic standards, to know there are people out there mentally struggling with the idea of missing a workout for no other reason than they just feel like grabbing dinner with their boyfriend. With my wedding looming not so far in the distance (in the wedding planning scheme of things), I feel beyond pressured to make a grand statement in a dress I bought for a body I don't quite have yet. It's hard not to beat myself up for bailing on a workout, for eating too many carbs or considering a sweat-free dog walk my day's "cardio." But in reality, I've lost almost 60 pounds, and sometimes a little before/after picture is all you need to remind yourself of the hard work you've put forth thus far.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you summer 2008 v. today, February 27, 2013. Lots of runs, zumba-ing like a fool, strength training, low carb eating and points-tracking. I also give you fried macaroni and cheese, a lot of wine, a lot of missed workouts and even more tears. Since I'm currently battling a "should I go out to dinner or go to the gym on the night before my weigh in" argument in my head, I need to remind myself (and the rest of you) of the following:

You will miss workouts. You will eat too many calories. You will opt for happy hour instead of zumba. For a night of errand running with your husband instead of that 3 mile walk you planned. A night of Sex & The City and Chinese instead of your 4 mile run. You will not track every thing you eat, you will pretend certain days don't "count" and you will cheat and use the weight from the previous morning's weigh in for your "actual weigh in" if you want to do something crazy like go out to dinner the night before your weekly weigh-in. You will have days when you haven't worked out for almost a week and still feel thin and healthy, and then turn around and have a "fat day" the day after your best workout to date. Your body will fluctuate. You will gain weight doing things you thought were good, and then lose 2 lbs after a horrible night of drinking and Taco Bell. You will struggle, and take two steps forward and one step back.

But the thing about two steps forward and one step back is that ultimtaely, you're stll going to get there. It has taken me four years to lose 56 pounds, which is approximately 14 pounds per year. No great accomplishment. But I've lost it, gained it back, lost it again and lost myself 1000 times in the process. But I've found myself 1001 times, which puts me one step ahead of my failures. The fact that I'm beating myself up over missing a workout is proof in and of itself that I'm doing something right.

Keep doing more right than wrong, Lauren. Keep doing more right than wrong, and you will get there. And you will look stunning in your wedding dress. You will also look stunning in your wedding dress while shoveling BBQ into your mouth at the reception.



the time will pass.

I was mindlessly browsing Pinterest the other day, pinning more projects I'll never do and a thousand ways to save $10 on my wedding, which I'll never even look at. Then I stumbled upon this. I brush most of the cheesy quotes I see on Pinterest off, but two days later, I was still thinking about this.

About a week ago, I had a gum graft surgery done. I was put on a strict liquids and soft-foods diet for about a week and I won't be able to bite using my front teeth for up to 6 weeks. I wasn't able to do physical activity for 3-4 days, but the graft feels so strange and sensitive that it hindered my exercise routine for nearly a week. Nearly a week? I know, it's not that big of a deal. But in the midst of the wedding dress diet, and the fact that I feel ridiculously restless without any sort of cardio in my day, I felt like a train wreck. So I spiraled. I spiraled into this boo boo kitty, self-loathing, poor me attitude that left me eating mashed potatoes and more macaroni and cheese than I consumed during my four years of college. This obviously resulted in my first weigh-in with a gain this year, and I can honestly say that I'd rather be punched in the leg repeatedly before having to deal with using my tongue to chew food ever again.

But here's the moral of the story: Regardless of my attitude, the time still passed. Despite my acting like the world had suddenly stopped (and so did my will to cook and do laundry), I was disappointed to learn that Thursday still came, my body still took in twice my needed caloric intake and I still gained weight. And unfortunately, that's the hard truth. Like it or not, Monday will come after Sunday, just like it always does. And like it or not, the time passes while we're sitting here thinking about our goals instead of actually seeing them through.

My struggle with weight loss, like many, is lifelong. It's a constant process as you try to find balance. The first time I lost 50 pounds, I drank it all back on and after finally getting my shit on lockdown at the beginning of 2012, I still spent a good 6 months beating myself up over having gained the weight back in the first place. No one wants to re-lose the same 50 pounds, or hit the pavement for the first time in months, only to learn you can only make it to the end of your street before hyperventilating. Starting over when you know you're capable of more is a hard pill to swallow, especially if you hate being wrong. Starting over from square one and mentally wanting to run 6 miles when your body can only handle 2 is frustrating. Hitting the same weight loss milestones as you've hit once before is like deja vu you never wanted to experience. There's no sugarcoating it.

But the six months I spent harping on what I messed up in the past is six months I can't get back now. I can't spend any time now imagining where I'd be had I not beat myself up for the first six months of last year. But looking back on it, I guess I learned something in the long run. The time will still pass. Whether you spend it bitching and moaning, avoiding your credit card debt or busting your ass at the gym, the time will still pass. That wedding you wanted to lose weight for will still come, regardless of what you did with the time in between. The debt collectors will still call, even if you ignore their calls for two months. What you do with the time is yours.

And in a world where we often feel like we have such little control over what happens, that is something we can control. I can't control the fact that I had to get a super obnoxious gum graft done weeks before a trip to Nashville and right in the peak of my awesome workout/eat right motivation. I can't control the fact that I already gained back most of the weight I lost the first time. What I can control is what I do with my time now. What I can control is my attitude, and the way I approach each new day. What I can do, is take what I learned from such a simple quote and recognize all the times I've failed to utilize it in my life - and learn from it. I can repeat it to myself every time I bail on a workout, and every time I want to give myself a break from my diet for a couple weeks.

The time will pass, with or without your participation. What do you want to do with it?

the truth about my wedding.

Rob and I both know that marrying each other is the coolest thing since Beyonce released her first solo album. We love that we're doing the big day in true Lauren & Rob style - toes in the sand, and a beer in hand. I don't need to constantly proclaim to the world how fantastic it is to be marrying the only other person in this world that I want to simultaneously kill and hug all at the same time, and neither does he. We share that with each other, during Duck Dynasty commercial breaks. So I'm not going to sit here and tell you all about it. If you're married, you get it. If you're still single, and anything like I was 3 years ago, you'd rather let a bird slowly peck at your eyeballs for 8 hours. But I do have to tell you how awesome this wedding planning thing is.

Coordinating centerpieces, discovering all the legalities of marriage licenses and learning that there are 80,000 different shades of white does not concern me. Those things suck, bad. What's awesome is realizing that not only are we having our wedding in my favorite location in the entire world, but we're essentially planning a giant family/best friend vacation in the process. As I hear about friends and family making their travel arrangements, I cannot help but picture how incredibly amazing this entire experience is going to be. Having the opportunity to get married on the beach is a blessing in and of itself, but being able to throw in margaritas with my college roommates, a pool party with friends and the constant presence of my kickass family just completely blows my mind. It's like the best family vacation/spring break/getaway you could ever imagine, culminating in the actual "I do." I mean, seriously? Does this even exist in real life?

Yes, it does. And I've never happier about sticking to my guns and going through with a beach wedding. My heart and soul is in Hilton Head, and Rob's is at that beautiful moment when the ocean hits your toes, but when the tide pulls it back out, your feet still feel the heat from the sun. Throw in an entire week of friends, family, margaritas and a beachfront home, and I'm pretty sure I can die happy.

I have no desire to look at reception decor, find someone to do my hair or figure out the perfect timing for cake cutting and dancing. I'm not concerned with what color my linens are, what color napkins we use to add color or if Rob gets a pedicure before he goes barefoot during the ceremony (no seriously, he better get a fucking pedicure, or I will throw up mid-I-do.). What I care about are my friends and family booking their travel arrangements, and planning several excuses to get all my friends together for beers, fun and sun. What I care about are the pictures, and the fact that I can't wait to see everyone's best Instagram photos with our wedding hashtag. The dancing, the wine and seeing everyone I care about enjoying themselves on the beach. And marrying my best friend. Yes, that too.

get smart.

If you have half a brain, chances are you're capable of perusing Pinterest and knowing better than to think half the explanations for the projects, exercises and wedding DIY's are legit. Let's face it - this super frugal girl pinched pennies and saved a fortune on her wedding, but you're probably not going to chalkboard paint mason jars and personally label them all just to save a few bucks on plates from the catering company. Someone's gorgeous DIY wreath is the average person's craft nightmare, and you HAVE to know better than to think you can legitimately lose 10 lbs drinking nothing but tea for three days [and not pass out].

Which brings me to my biggest issue lately - believing the health myths. Buying into the diet fads. Following a 1-2-3 plan to weight loss and not being an independent thinker. Here's a shocking idea: your body is not the same as mine. Mine isn't the same as my mom's, or my brother's, or my dad's - and we're in the same fucking family. So why in God's name would you think that you're going to get the same results as person A, B or C just because you both read the "30 lunches to lose weight fast" article and followed it to a T? Chances are, you're probably not.

If you've decided to get healthy, lose weight, tone up, build muscle or just eat better, you have to stop reading made-for-you plans that are supposed to fit the general public. I can tell you from personal experience that I have friends who can eat 100-calorie packs all day long and lose 20 lbs, and I would gain weight from them. I have friends who gain weight from eating chocolate, who lose weight from eating bread, whose bodies do things that mine would run away screaming from. If you've decided to make a change in your lifestyle, I totally applaud you. As someone who lived in fat-kid denial for years, sometimes the hardest part is just waking up with the commitment to making a change. But what I wish I would have done earlier, and what I wish more people would do now, is educate myself.

Educate yourself. Do not sign up for the coolest diet trend that gives you the highest probability of success. Following Weight Watchers, South Beach or Jenny Craig will not teach you anything in the long run if you don't know what the programs are designed for. Reading thousands of articles on pre-planned meals and trampling through your grocery store with a list you didn't come up with on your own won't help you. Blindly grabbing the 100-calorie packs and whole wheat pasta boxes won't teach you anything if you don't know what's in them. Learn what food does to your body - understand why foods on Weight Watchers with higher carb counts are now higher in points. Learn about why Atkins preaches a low carb diet, and understand that it doesn't give you the right to eat 6 lbs of bacon a day. Stop eating boxed meals from the freezer section just because there are pre-determined points or calories labeled on the front.

I'm not saying you don't have to start somewhere. Any change to your diet is a good one, and making modifications and finding low-fat alternatives to your favorite foods is awesome. What I'm saying is that so many people go through life not knowing what refined sugars are, what "good fats" and "bad fats" are and what carbohydrates can do to your body when eaten in excess. So many people go through life not knowing how to fuel their bodies before and after workouts, how to create habits that will last a lifetime, and not just until the hit their goal weights. Depending on a program to guide you in the right direction is AWESOME. Programs like Weight Watchers and even free tracking systems like My Fitness Pal are awesome for showing you how to monitor your portions, incorporate healthier alternatives into your diet and how to balance your intake versus output. But you still need to learn what food does to your body.

If you rely on plugging numbers into an online tracker or pulling all your resources from the latest "top 10 healthiest dinners," you may stay fit, but you're never going to know why. The internet and social media has been a great outlet for utilizing fitness options and finding new healthy recipes - but it's also made us so dependent on following directions from someone else instead of learning about how our own bodies work. If you learn about what you're eating, learn about what you're putting into your body and how your body reacts to it, you'll quickly learn that someone else's "healthy mac and cheese" is your body's nightmare, or that someone's favorite low-cal casserole is actually just full of high-sodium cans of processed food that you can't even read the ingredients to.

Lord knows I am not perfect about my diet and exercise routines. I love fried macaroni and cheese almost as much as I love a good cheeseball - and one time, I totally fell for my grandma's line that her delicious oatmeal cookies could be considered "breakfast cookies" because there are oats in them (no, I was not 10...this was less than a year ago). All I'm saying is that you owe it to your body to do a little research instead of just eating the 10 meals some food blogger hand-selected from the internet as YOUR top 10 healthy meals. News flash: Your top 10 healthy meals are constantly evolving, and they're going to be different than mine. Your top 10 healthy meals should be established by you and only you, once you learn and experiment with different foods and understand what they do to your body.

Your body is your body, not anybody else's. Nutritionists and informational articles can point you in the right direction - they can help guide you, and weight loss programs are awesome forms of accountability and putting all that nutrition "junk" into easily utilized numbers. But chances are, you're not going to spend the rest of your life tracking every snack you ever eat (that'd be a lot of snacks for me), so you should do yourself the justice of learning about what you're eating so you can function on your own without someone else telling you want to consume and when.

Independent thinking is something that's often lost today - and it's probably half the reason this country has an obesity problem. You only get one body. Learn about what you're eating, and treat your body like the temple that it is. Feed yourself what you know to be good, and indulge in what you know to be delicious (and sometimes bad). Don't live by anyone else's nutrition rules, and don't let someone else decide what's right for your body. Educate yourself, and your chances of maintaining a healthy lifestyle long after you commit to one are much higher.

End rant. Stumbles off soap box and apologizes in advance for offending anyone.

colds and food.

Once again, it's Sunday evening and I am left wondering where the weekend went. I've spent most of this weekend in a sinus-induced haze, leaving food tasteless, workouts difficult and even simple tasks like brushing my hair seem like monumental events. People who live with constant sinus problems or allergies never quite know if they're getting sick, or if it's just going to be one of those days that no amount of behind-the-counter Sudafed can fix. It's not quite enough to merit taking a sick day, but just enough to make every single moment of your day completely miserable as you try to trudge through. I wish companies had "sinus days" that I could take without feeling the inevitable guilt I feel when I stay home from work due to serious sinus issues. Sigh. I digress.

Enough about that. The highlight of my weekend involved trying two new recipes. Cooking at home on the weekend is the most difficult part of trying to stay healthy for me - Rob and I visited a breakfast joint down the street for the first time this weekend and my healthy "power wrap" with egg whites, turkey and spinach was the one "eat out" healthy choice I carried through the weekend (I lost whatever pride that choice gave me over a BW3's coma I faced later that day). But I find that when I actually plan recipes I'll enjoy, I'm much more apt to eat at home. I tend not to blog about the food I eat, mainly because the recipes are things I get from other websites or adapt to fit my tastes, so I feel like I'm stealing. And stealing isn't cool. But I need to share this weekend's eats.

Friday night, I tried a new recipe from Skinnytaste, my favorite go-to blogger for healthy, Weight Watchers-friendly eats. I realized that 90% of the time, all I ever eat is chicken. Not that it's a horrible thing, but I rarely branch out to red meats other than the occasional hamburger or taco night, and figured an inexpensive cut of steak was a good start since we're on a budget (I'd spend our life savings at the grocery store trying new things if I could). We made grilled flank steak with tomatoes, black beans and corn.  I rarely cook with avocados, and Rob was aching for me to include them in a recipe so I threw those into the mix as well. Honestly, this is awesome. The steak cooks in no time, and after you're done chopping all the goodies for your "salad," the whole thing comes together nicely and is a simple, different meal if you're the go-to chicken person like I am. Here's a pic of my finished product (perfect grilling courtesy of my fantastic fiance)! 

The leftovers held up great, and I actually bought flank steak again today, because Rob is desperate to make our own version of Chipotle. The plan is to stick with the original recipe, but also marinade the steak in a cilantro lime marinade ahead of time, and I'm going to throw it all on top of the best cilantro lime rice ever.  Yes, I like lime and cilantro, a lot. They add awesome flavor without adding calories, so it's clear that these ingredients become my closest friends. We'll see how this goes - I will keep you all posted, because I know you're hanging on my every word.

Today was chili day. I should probably note that Rob and I heavily disagree on how chili should taste. I grew up on chili that used ketchup as its tomato base, which may sound weird but it's become so normal to me that I prefer it over anything else. Rob thinks this is blasphemy, and wishes I would take a more "chili" approach. Today, our recipe went as follows:

1.25 lbs ground beef, cooked

2 cans Brooks mild chili beans

1 14.5 oz can garlic fire-roasted diced tomatoes

1 8 oz can tomato paste

2 cloves garlic, chopped

1/4 cup ketchup

1 T. brown sugar

Chili pepper and cumin to taste 

("to taste:" my fancy food blogger term for "I have no idea how much I used")

I should probably note that the ketchup is also an estimate, as I left Rob directions and came home to a crockpot of mystery chili that ended up tasting kind of awesome. Brown the beef in a pan ahead of time, then throw all the ingredients in the crockpot and let it sit for a good 4-5 hours. 

This chili needs something still. It needs a packet of chili mix, or something to pump up the flavor (honestly, my sinuses could have also rendered my taste buds numb), but it's on its way to becoming a version of chili Rob and I can agree upon. Now, here comes the fun part.

I often make spaghetti with chili and Rob insists on setting the store-bought Skyline cheese out so it's room temperature when we have "Skyline nights." But tonight, I was aching for french fries and thought chili cheese fries would be a great fix. I honestly forget where I got the recipe for oven baked fries that don't completely suck, so forgive me if you've all seen this and I'm an idiot for just now getting the memo.

2 russet potatoes, cut however thin/thick you like your fries. I leave the skin on.

fresh cracked pepper and salt

olive oil

1 very large bowl of ice cold water

*serves me, and one hungry man

Preheat your oven to 425 degrees. Cut the potatoes however you like (I like mine pretty standard - think Wendy's cut), and then let them sit in a bowl of ice cold water (yep, even put ice cubes in the bowl) for about 15-20 minutes. Drain and dry the potatoes and put them back in the bowl. Toss in olive oil (sorry, can't tell you how much on this one either, just don't soak them or they'll end up super greasy. A little goes a long way). Spread on a Pam-sprayed cookie sheet and season with salt and pepper. Bake in the oven for about 20 minutes, flip fries and bake 20 more minutes. Pardon my less-than-stellar photography skills, as this was taken halfway into my meal when I realized I should probably tell you how awesome these are.

I know. This is so simple, and you're all thinking "okay seriously, we're not idiots, we can make french fries." But the ticket to these is really soaking them in ice cold water. It makes them crispy and not like the soggy oven-baked-fry-fails you've had before. Wherever I saw this, it was Gwyneth Paltrow's recipe, because clearly she is the only person in the history of cooking to have ever put potatoes in ice cold water and should be given all the credit in the world. She's lucky I like her. 

Ohio University kids - take your finished fries, top them with that chili and smother in room temperature Skyline cheese, and you will be taken back to O'Betty's heaven. I don't know, maybe I'm totally insane and I just miss OU from the bottom of my heart, but this unintentionally brought me back to sitting on the curb consuming a giant tray of these guys after last call mega mugs at Red Brick. And the best part about the whole thing is that really, it's not that awful for you. While I'm a big advocate for low carb, I will allow myself the occasional potato because really, it's a natural food anyway. These fries, chili-smothered or not, are a great alternative when you're really craving something totally sinful. Rob thinks they'd be awesome with different seasonings, so we'll see how that turns out in the future.

This is my first real shot at chatting about recipes, because I don't think it's worth it to re-tell you all about my favorite Skinnytaste, Pioneer Woman and Emily Bites recipes. I will, however, continue to tell you when things are awesome, if you're interested in reading about it. 

As this week begins, I am facing a crappy cold and an upcoming weekend of zero working out. Here's to hoping that my self-control can win this week and make the right eating choices that result in a loss at my weigh in. Hope everyone has a great week! :) 

the dog food.

Today on my lunch break, I had to pick up a bag of dog food for my constantly hungry mutts. I should probably note that picking up dog food is not a task for the weak. Having two dogs whose combined weights are more than my ultimate goal weight means that the largest possible bag of dog food is likely to last us no more than two weeks. So here I am, limping through the pet store in all my plantar fasciitis glory making sure I grab the "mini chunks" bag as not to disappoint Scout, who thinks the large breed dog food just isn't suitable for her palate. I grab the 33 pound bag, trudge to the front with the bag over my shoulder and ignore the several offers I received for the male employees to carry it for me. I check out, bear hug the shit out of my dog food bag and begin the trek to my car (which is oh so conveniently located miles away because the pet store/grocery store parking lot is just an absurd place in general). If I said I wasn't winded by the time I reached my car, I'd be lying.

And that's when it hit me. This bag is 33 pounds. I've lost 52 since my heaviest weight. This bag is a giant pain in the ass to take from the store to my car, let alone when you add 20 more pounds and carry it everywhere you go. Everywhere. To the bar. To the grocery store. To class, the mall, and the office. To every prom, date, argument and wedding. I carried almost two big bags of dog food everywhere I went. And when I was carrying it, I had no idea how much it weighed me down, both metaphorically and physically.

I had no idea that one day, I'd be on the treadmill and really feel my legs moving like a runner - feel my joints, muscles and bones cranking out each step, propelled by sheer determination and the fact that my previous exercise had prepared me for every single mile. There would be a day that I no longer felt like a basset hound shuffling through the streets, that running turned into something that did not emotionally break me down every single time I did it.

Almost two dog food bags ago, I had never done a burpee. Never gone to an exercise class alone and never run a half marathon. 52 pounds of dog food ago, I couldn't shop in any of my favorite stores, and thought the best alternative was to emotionally destroy myself by trudging to a plus size section instead of physically building myself to shop where I wanted. I had no idea that today's "before" pictures were my current reality, or that clothes could actually exist to flatter and accentuate, not just cover.

52 pounds of dog food later, I have run a half marathon. I bought a wedding dress in a size I never thought I'd wear again. I bought a size in pants I haven't worn since high school. I feel restless without a day of activity, feel sick from eating ice cream and love connecting with like-minded people who want to be healthy. I run for fun, dance [like an idiot] and call it a workout, and do things like make my own pesto and eat hamburgers without buns. I shop where I want, and though I'm not where I want to be yet, I take pride in how far I've come and know that energy will propel me into the future as I continue to push myself physically and balance myself mentally. I eat low carb, eat lots of salads and enjoy eating as much bacon as I want. And cheesecake, still. Sorry not sorry.

I'm not at my goal yet. But I'm closer than I've ever been, and though it drives me insane to think about the time I wasted letting my weight control my life, the lessons I've learned throughout this process have 100% changed who I am and who I will be for the rest of my life. I feel so educated on what I put in my body, so aware of what food does to me both mentally and physically and physically stronger than I've ever felt.

Everywhere you look, people are trying to get fit. Fortunately, being overweight no longer has to hide behind the donut counter and remain undiscussed as we all eat salads in front of one another and go home and cram donuts. But I'm so sick of the fad diets. The people who hide behind the latest weight loss trend and show up 50 pounds later without seeming to have struggled in the process at all. I want real, raw people who struggle to say no to fried macaroni and cheese, who wake up the next morning wishing they hadn't had four margaritas because now they have to weigh in, who gained one week because they were on their period and had no self restraint. I want people who bailed on workouts, pulled muscles, worked through their emotional baggage and learned to love themselves. I want to relate to someone, to read their blog and think "Oh my god, YES!" to her latest struggle or milestone.

I'm so damn proud of how far I've come. And though I have incredibly supportive friends and family, I'm so proud to say that my own determination is what's gotten me here. No one dragged me to a salad bar, or tackled me down before I had the chance to order boneless wings (though I wish someone could have). I fell and got up enough times to get here, and the support I've gotten from those around me has been invaluable in the process. I cannot wait to see where the next 30 pounds takes me.

[end soap box speech]