the post about parenting.

I've spent a lot of time reading tons of "things no one tells you about during pregnancy, after birth, etc" posts in an attempt to somehow figure out how to nail parenthood like Simone Biles during a floor routine. If I could just gather all these nitty gritty insights and catalog them for future reference, I'd have all the answers if and when the problem came up, right?

Hahahahahahaha.

Not surprisingly, no amount of Google research can strip me of my doe-eyed-Bambi title I so obviously wear as I stumble my way through the first weeks of motherhood. I am the woman who cannot figure out why the fucking carseat won't click into the stroller while balancing my cold brew, phone and wristlet in one hand in the Target parking lot. I am the one furiously Googling what a "normal" umbilical stump looks like and then panicking and calling the nurses line at 9 p.m. because, news flash, the umbilical stump is still to date the most disgusting thing I've dealt with thus far. And I'm 100% the one crying, head in my hands, at the edge of my bed at 4 a.m. because my 6-week old daughter will just NOT go to sleep.

It seems like no matter how much you prepare, how many friends you talk to, how stocked your nursery is and how much you've visualized exactly what motherhood will look like, you're bound to fall flat on your face and then wonder, usually at 3 a.m., if you're the only one who's been there. News flash: you're not. News flash: social media makes it sound like everyone has their shit together and I'm learning pretty quickly that no one does.

In a nutshell, here are the things I've realized, learned and come to terms with in the first 7 weeks of my dear daughter's life:

I hated being pregnant. I am beyond thankful and grateful for a relatively easy, healthy pregnancy, but I hated every minute of it. I felt incredibly disconnected from my body, which I struggled with big time after years of working to lose weight. Everyone will pity you for not loving pregnancy. Challenge yourself to find at least one other person who hated it, and cling tightly to them. They will be your source for so much comfort. You may cling tightly to me if you like. But not too tight, because I have a clingy baby and a clingy dog and I'm really fucking tired.

I hear a lot of complaining about dads who just don't "get it." Mothers who won't leave their baby with dad because he's just a big stupid man who can't possibly nurture and care for my child the way I would. Such. Bullshit. My husband is a fucking rockstar with Harper. We are, without a doubt, both completely clueless - but he jumps in head first just as much as I do and I 100% feel like we are equals in this parenting adventure. We're formula feeding, so I realize that means he can help out with feedings maybe more than mothers who breastfeed, but there is absolutely no excuse for dad not to be as much of a rockstar parent as mom. I'm proudly bragging, because my husband is a natural and I am beyond lucky to have him.

There is not enough information on the internet for formula feeding mothers. I get it - breast is best. I expected to be in the minority when I chose to formula feed and I'm okay with that. But because the reality of the matter is that FED is best, I think it's horse shit that there's so little education on formula feeding available to moms who choose this route.

Your first visit to the pediatrician will look a lot like a stranger man-handling your kid and basically telling you that as long as your kid is still breathing, you're fine. As a new parent, this broke our eager little hearts.

Babies do not give a shit about your sleep schedule, work schedule, eating schedule or how badly you really want to watch tonight's episode of Grey's Anatomy in peace. Legit - they do not give one single shit.

Social media will paint the most distorted view of motherhood you'll ever see. It's so hard not to compare yourself to what you see on Facebook - even just today, I posted a delightful family photo where we're all dressed in beautiful fall colors. Even the dogs were present - because it's a family photo, duh. But the reality is that my ankle boots were too tight, I was sweating my ass off and my perfect fall scarf was hiding a giant ring of sweat on my shirt. We started prepping ourselves and Harper for these photos three hours before their scheduled time, and we were still late. Basically, the photoshopped version of what you see on the internet likely has a back story that looks like a total clusterfuck. Remember that.

Speaking of, I either arrive 30 minutes late or 30 minutes early to all functions now. I have yet to figure out how the hell to time prepping myself and a baby for leaving the house.

I happily leave my house, and my baby. Two days after we got home from the hospital, I left Harper with Rob and wandered Target for a couple hours just to get a change of scenery. We left her with my parents on several occasions during her first weeks of life, and while I love her more than anything, I praised Jesus for the brief break in parenting.

The best way to survive marriage during the first weeks home with a baby is to openly admit when you hate the other person. So many times, particularly in middle of the night feedings, I've resented Rob - sleeping blissfully in the other room while I'm in here trying to tame the flailing arms of a newborn like a fucking whack-a-mole game at the fair. But every day, we tell each other how we feel - I tell him when I'm feeling resentful, and he tells me when he's burnt out, and we do our best to give each other the breaks we need, and team reinforcement during those rough 4 a.m. shifts. It takes sometimes verbal reminders that we're on the same team, but I will say we're totally kicking ass at it.

Anyone who says you love your dogs less once you have a baby is a fucking liar. End of story. My heart grew tenfold when I saw Scout and Brody interact with Harper for the first time.

I delivered Harper at 11:41 on Saturday night and we walked out of the hospital on Monday morning before noon. Apparently it only takes about 36 hours for them to determine you're suitable parents able to raise a child. I've had hangovers that have lasted longer than this.

Newborns do not have fingernails. They have eagle talons, designed to tear through their perfect skin and make you look like the worst parent in history. You will field so many "Can't you trim their nails?" questions that you will eventually go buy this, and it will be the best $30 you've ever spent.

Parent guilt is real - a vicious cycle of love, frustration and guilt that can sometimes feel like a downward spiral. Overwhelming love for this new life, frustration that you can't warp this tiny human to your will so you can just get some damn sleep, and guilt for even feeling so frustrated with something so tiny and innocent. Guilt for taking a break - guilt for wanting a break. Guilt for jokingly asking what the return policy is on this kid at 2 a.m. when you're driving around town eating french fries, trying to get her to sleep. I'm still struggling with this one, but I've heard two things: A mom (and really, any parent) who takes care of themselves is a better parent for their child, so do whatever you have to do to make that happen. And, unfortunately, the guilt never really goes away.

Parenting a newborn is like going to day one of a new job every single day. Every day, you think you find something that works, only to discover it doesn't work the next day. It's all a crapshoot, and I've gone a really long time feeling like I'm not getting any better at it. But Harper is alive, cute as hell, and some days that's enough. If I didn't get the recommended amount of tummy time in today (or yesterday), everyone will still survive.

Laughing over something you can't remember at the bar will be replaced with laughing until you cry watching your husband dramatically change a poopy diaper. It's just poop, Rob. You'll all be the first to know when (and I do say "when," not "if") Harper poops during bathtime and Rob loses his mind.

Every weekend morning, Rob gives Harper a "musication," where he teaches her all about 70s rock music while she stares at him in awe. We rock her to sleep to Elton John songs and Journey power ballads and, occasionally, a really inappropriate rap song that reminds us of what life was like when we were drunk and stupid. These moments remind me that we are still us, hidden deep down underneath the sleep deprivation and coffee and diapers. Find a way to create those moments because, as I've learned, I desperately need them.

Speaking of which, figuring out how to incorporate motherhood into an identity you've spent years cultivating is incredibly difficult. Be kind to yourself if you don't feel motherly, or maternal, or whatever it is you think you're supposed to feel. Everyone's version of parenting looks different and while your child now becomes a pretty high priority, it's okay to still embrace and celebrate the other areas of your life that have nothing to do with being a parent. I'm still working through this one, but it's helped tremendously to get back to running and things that make me feel like the "old me."

There is truth to the idea that you have to mourn your former life a little. Do I miss the days of patio happy hours and driving an hour away on a whim just to eat really good tacos? Every. Single. Day. It's not to say I don't love my daughter and yes, truthfully, I wouldn't change it for anything. But life is different now, and adjusting to that is easier on some days than others. Again, the guilt you feel for craving your former life is so real. I have no idea if it's normal, but I've experienced it, so take comfort in that, right?

It really does take a village, and asking for help can be hard, but worth it. I always feel indebted to someone when I ask for help - whether it's family, friends or Rob. But eventually, you'll do pretty much anything for a few hours of sleep or a run with your dogs in the sunshine.

I'm learning that despite the friends I've talked to with kids, despite chats with my mom, family and my husband, there are still so many feelings, moments and incidents where I wonder if what we're experiencing is normal. I know I haven't posted in, oh, 800 years or so, but so much of what we're experiencing is to funny and too real not to share. So, expect more from me, friends!

PS, can I get a HELL YES for a full hour nap that allowed me to write this up?!

A response to "6 things I don't understand about the Fat Acceptance Movement"

There is an article on Thought Catalog floating around about the Fat Acceptance Movement. In it, the author discusses the 6 things she doesn't understand about the FAM. To be honest, I'm not hyper-aware of this movement, probably because I've spent most of my life having my own fat acceptance movement. I will say that she makes some really valid points. Read the whole article (and her follow-up) for yourself. But I also think it's a bit dramatic. When you're comparing extreme ends of a spectrum, it's easy to come to her short-sighted generalizations. But considering the CDC's chart for calculating your BMI leaves a large majority of us struggling to get to a medically "acceptable" number, it's safe to say there are quite a few of us that fall into an "overweight" or "obese" category that most logical thinkers (and even doctors, including my own) think is unrealistic. My doctor has even suggested a target weight for me that leaves me sitting in the "overweight" category. 

I'm not medically educated to give you a professional response to her article. All I can do is speak from experience, and I'm sure those of you with medical backgrounds may disagree with me. But since everyone's body is different, I can say wholeheartedly that I know exactly what my body is capable of. I'm still about 15-20 pounds from where I'd like to be, but the fact that I've already lost about 60 leaves me feeling pretty confident about my experiences in health and fitness. I've done everything the healthy way - no weight loss supplements, pills or extreme diets. Just good old-fashioned exercise and eating right.

1. America is extremely accepting of fat.

Are we? I don't necessarily agree that America is extremely accepting of fat, but that we're extremely tolerant of a sedentary, overindulgent lifestyle. Yes, everything from extra large portions to the lack of physical activity in schools and at home is so incredibly detrimental to the future of our society, and the country continues to perpetuate this lifestyle. It's not good - no, it's definitely not. As a lifestyle choice, we've accepted obesity, accepted sedentary and accepted laziness (to a certain extent - and no, I am not saying that fat people are lazy. Because I am technically "fat" and sure as hell not lazy.)

But, we are sure as hell not socially accepting of "fat people" ("fat" is a term I hate to even use). It's hard to say things like this: 

"Though there may be negative stereotypes, staring, bullying, or crude comments, the environment we live in is one that is incredibly tolerant of unhealthy lifestyles."

You cannot disregard the negative stereotypes, the staring, the bullying and the crude comments and pretend that they're not one of the driving forces behind the "Fat Acceptance Movement." Because the hate that comes from people is toxic and it's no different than the hate people experience from being in any kind of minority or demographic of people that others view as different from themselves. "Fat people" have the same souls, bones and hearts that anyone else has, and nobody knows this better than me.

2. “Body positivity” should include health.

You're damn right, it should. Body positivity should 100% include not only how we look on the outside, but how our insides look as well. Everything from the strength in our muscles to the kindness in our hearts should be part of evaluating your body. And who says it doesn't? I think the primary thought process behind this is that you need to learn to love yourself at any size because you are more than your body. Sure, you're the one living with it every day and if you're overweight or damaging your body, that's on you. But even if you choose to damage your body - be it through food, alcohol, cigarettes or ruining your knees and hips by running multiple marathons a year, you are entitled to the right to love your body. If you don't like your weight, you have the power to change it. But if you choose not to change it, you have the right to love your curves, love your body at any size. You also have a beautiful soul, a beautiful mind and a beautiful heart worth loving just as much as you should your external (and internal) shell. 

Health is both physical and mental. And I can tell you from experience that I ran myself into the ground last year trying to hit a number on the scale - trying to desperately get my BMI to a number it should be. Mentally? It was incredibly exhausting, controlled my life and to an extent, my relationships with others. Mentally, I made a personal decision for my health that it was okay to take a break, okay to be considered "obese" by medical standards as long as I was still treating my body right. And that's okay. It's all about balance.

Body positivity comes from understanding that happiness is not solely found in a number on the scale, a pant size or a BMI calculation. Body positivity comes from understanding that losing 100 pounds will not guarantee automatic happiness. That "fatness" isn't what's making you unhappy - most of us who have gone through any kind of substantial weight loss (and weight gain) can attest to the fact that somewhere along the journey, you learn that happiness isn't synonymous with weight loss - instead, we learn that it's associated with treating our bodies right, pushing ourselves, reaching goals and being the best versions of ourselves that we can be. Weight loss - the scale, your BMI, your pant size - that's all just a fabulous extra. But when the scale plateaus, when we've had an "off week," a bad binge session or you've even gained some weight - that's when the importance of body positivity comes into play. The realization that it's more about learning to love yourself, your body and your own heart along the road to "healthy," even if you don't fit into someone else's definition of it. 

3. “Health at every size” seems physically impossible.

Health at every size is not physically impossible. Yes, when you're comparing extremes at opposite ends of a spectrum, then sure - you have a very solid argument. Anorexia and other eating disorders are not healthy, even if you're a size zero. And being hundreds of pounds overweight while religiously consuming processed food and living a sedentary lifestyle isn't healthy either. But here's my personal tidbit for you:

At my highest weight, I was considered "obese" on the BMI charts. And I was. I ate like shit, didn't work out and deserved every single pound I had. Now, I'm 50 pounds less and because of my height, still considered "obese" on the BMI charts. I eat clean and healthy probably 70-80% of the time, I work out approximately 5 days a week and I can probably do more pushups than you. Are my insides 100% healthy and in the best shape they could be in? Probably not yet. But do I think I'm healthy? Absofuckinglutely. I've run 2 half marathons in pretty great times, regularly participate in bootcamp and try to fuel my body the best way I know how.

What I'm saying is that within reason, you really can be healthy at any size. Is a 350 pound sedentary person who decides to lose weight not "healthy," even though she's lost 100 pounds and is now regularly active, just because she still has another 100 pounds to lose? Maybe not by a flat definition of "healthy," but I guarantee at her yearly checkup, her doctor will give her a standing ovation, tell her she's much healthier than last time and encourage her to continue forward in her journey. It's all about perspective.

4. People are allowed to not be attracted to certain body types.

You're 100% correct. People are allowed not to be attracted to certain body types. And when you're not attracted to someone, you try to be a normal human being and not target that "unattractive" demographic with hateful comments and snarky remarks at a bar about how you "would love to get cozy with her, but she'd probably suffocate you." Yes, that remark was made to me at a rooftop bar in D.C. in 2008. So yes, you're allowed to not be attracted to "fat people," the same way that everyone has a "type" that they're usually interested in. But you're not allowed to be hateful. Because, here's a shocker - fat people have feelings, too.

5. Food addiction is a real medical problem.

It is. There's no way to get around that. The food we put into our body triggers different reactions in our brains, and learning to combat that is really difficult. We should 100% address this, and I have no argument for this one. I've never had an issue with working out - my weight problem has always been attributed to my issues with food, so I really can't even argue this if I tried.

6. Childhood obesity is something we can’t be accepting of.

No, it cannot. You are so right. Especially when our country's demographic of young people are so poorly uninformed about health, weight and the effects of activity and nutrition. Instead of accepting "fat" as the new "okay" for people at any age, we ought to be educating young people, changing their perspectives and encouraging them to treat their bodies like the temples they are. No. Doubt. About. It.

According to the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance, the vision of NAAFA is to have "a society in which people of every size are accepted with dignity and equality in all aspects of life." And quite frankly, the one thing I don't understand about Hall's article is why she didn't just address this. Because there's nothing wrong with wanting that. Sure, is it some backhanded kind of way telling people it's okay to be "fat?" Maybe. And in her follow-up article, she does address the financial liabilities we face as a nation can get expensive. But should we treat people of any size equally? Yes. No questions asked. If you decide to judge, make a rude comment or snarky remark, let it be because someone wronged you, not because you're judging a book by its cover. I have lived "obese" for most of my life, and most of you who know me now wouldn't consider me "obese" for a second. My doctor doesn't consider me "obese" and will willingly admit that BMI is shit anyway. It's all about balance. Most consciously overweight people will struggle internally with their weight for the rest of their lives - the Fat Acceptance Movement aims to promote a sense of self-appreciation despite our flaws and maybe even because of them. And while we all struggle to come to terms with our own self-worth, it's not your fucking job to determine it for us.

tonight, I am so mad.

I haven't blogged in a really long time. Mainly because I've gained a little weight back and writing about it sort of makes me sick. But also because I just haven't felt like it. Sorry.

But tonight, I'm mad. So I'm writing, because my anger is way too intense and way too long to put into a passive aggressive Facebook status.

I'm mad because sometimes, people are so mean. So cruel. So heartless. We are a brilliant population full of great minds who cure diseases, educate children, keep our cities safe. We run businesses, fuel the economy (sometimes) and build buildings. But tonight, I saw a video on Facebook of two teenage girls lighting a turtle on fire. No, I'm not even posting the link for you because that would be further fueling the fire. And no, I couldn't watch the entire thing. I read about it - how the turtle eventually starts screaming it its shell while the girls watch on, record it and laugh. I wouldn't let myself get that far before turning it off.

But seriously. Two teenage girls lit a turtle on fire. And watched it suffer. For fun. A few months ago, two girls plotted to stab their friend to death in pursuit of some "Slender Man" fantasy (I'm too old for this shit) and the victim barely survived. Their best friend.

A few months ago, someone dumped two dead dogs and a box of malnourished puppies on the front step of our local humane society in what is now an ongoing humane investigation. Dead dogs. My newsfeed is plagued with this. I'm sure yours is, too. Plagued with toxic news. Neglected animals. Innocent teenagers sitting in a classroom.

I'm so mad. I'm so mad at us. I don't have to remind you that I much prefer the company of animals over people, so I tend to get really worked up over animal neglect and abuse. But as humans, we're better than this. We're better than watching animals suffer for our enjoyment. For the hope of a viral video on the internet. We're better than turning the other cheek to shit we're too scared to stand up for. We're capable of so much. So much. And look at us. Lighting fucking turtles on fire and throwing our dogs into oncoming traffic on the highway because we "can't have pitbulls in our new apartment."

I'm so fucking angry.

But we're not all like this. Wedged between the stories of violence, neglect, hunger and turning a blind eye are countless hearts. Countless volunteers. People who camp out all day in hope of getting the scared stray dog to finally trust them. People who carry malnourished dogs out basements and to a brighter future. People dropping food off at their church pantry. People orchestrating community meals, speaking out against sexual violence, and fostering the bucket of puppies someone was too cowardly to own up to.

We are here. I am here. These are the people who run circles over and over again, picking up the pieces of someone else's "trash." People who realize that lives - animals' and people's - are not disposable. People who value your existence not because they know you, because they don't, but because they have enough respect for humanity to know that you deserve a chance. There could be twice as many of us, and there would still be things we can't change - people we can't save, animals we can't help. But sometimes, these are the only people in this world who convince me that we're not doomed.

Sometimes it's enough to keep me optimistic. But tonight, I'm having a hard time shutting out the images of teenage girls lighting turtles on fire. Again - lighting turtles on fire. And laughing. I don't know where we went astray. I don't know what's changed, where this transition in mental instability happened - or maybe it's just that the internet and the media has made what's already existed so much more available. But whatever it is, we have got to get it together. 

I know this is a rant. I know I'm just fired up, and tomorrow I'll go look at a Buzzfeed of the 25 most adorable animal hugs and try to fill my heart with butterflies again. But tonight, I am so mad.

Guest Post: Uncomfortable [the realities of weight maintenance]

I have something very special for all of you - my first guest post! This comes from a woman very near and dear to my heart, as she's been my best friend for over 20 years. Like most of us, she's in those "closer to 30" years and juggles countless social and career obligations, including being a rockstar kindergarten teacher, a grad student and a fairly recent newlywed. She also still finds time to be my faithful running partner, holding me accountable on those days when it's hot and humid and I'd much rather get ice cream than hit the pavement. She definitely juggles many hats (and does it incredibly well), but one of the most important things she's committed herself to is a living a healthy lifestyle. She lost over 30 pounds by exercising and changing her eating habits, and it didn't happen overnight. She's an amazing inspiration, but like so many people who have reached their weight loss goals, she struggles with the one thing that nobody really talks about: maintenance. Check out her post on life post-weight loss. I feel incredibly blessed to be constantly inspired by her, and comforted by her words and her willingness to address the realities of balancing a healthy lifestyle with the temptations of real life.

Uncomfortable

Summer sucks when you feel fat. Uncomfortable in your own skin. Sweating like crazy as the temperatures rise rapidly, and you cling for your life to your skin covering jeans. Longing to indulge in an ice cream cone and the delicious treats at a family cookout. But there is this nagging in the back of your mind. "If you eat that, you'll regret it." "Remember how those shorts looked in the fitting room the other day?" "Do you really want to run the 5 miles worth of calories you'll ingest in just a few bites?" "You already had your cheat meal yesterday, and you didn't exercise at all."

Losing the 30 pounds was almost easy. Making the life change to be aware of everything I put in my body was the best decision I have ever made. It turns out you don't have to buy a pack of Oreos at the grocery every week in order to maintain a healthy diet. Who knew? Making exercise a part of my daily routine was a breeze. Running turned into a passion. When you're losing weight, everyone wants to be your friend. Everyone wants to know how you did it. What's your story? They'll often tell you, "You're my inspiration." They are all there cheering you on with encouraging words. Your clothes start to hang off your body, and shopping is a reward.

Maintaining weight is one of the most challenging obstacles I have ever encountered. It is so difficult to say no to poor food choices. There are temptations everywhere. Like the free chips at your favorite Mexican restaurant. Or drinks with your co-workers at a Friday happy hour. "You lost 30 pounds, it's okay to let loose a little," people will tell you. Exercise starts to become more of a chore. The nagging voice returns: "If I don't go today, my arms will start to feel flabby." "I'll lose a few seconds on my average mile pace." When you're maintaining weight, the world all of a sudden seems to fall silent. The encouraging words are replaced with crickets. You start to wonder if they really are crickets, or if the people that were once your supporters and fans are just speaking words they would never dare speak to your face. Your clothes start to become tight. Shopping is a punishment. Every pound, even just one, sends you into a panic. If I can gain one back, what's to say I can't gain all 30?

I'm struggling to find a happy medium. A place where I feel comfortable. Where I feel proud of my accomplishments, and not burdened by them. I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that it is okay to let loose. It is okay to go up a pant size. I'm struggling to remember that I started this journey in search of a healthy life. It was never about a number. It was never about a size.

Like what Sara has to say? Tell us about it in the comments section below. You can also follow Sara's blog where she focuses primarily on teaching strategies (but I think she has plenty of wise things to say about living a healthy lifestyle, don't you think?) Till next time, friends!

the real social network: why I'm facebook free.

It would be narcissistic of me to assume that you're all trying to figure out why you're not seeing witty statuses from me - tilting your head in a state of confusion as you stare, perplexed, at your computer when my name doesn't come up in the blue search bar at the top of the screen. Eventually, after scouring for any trace of photos or check-ins, you discover the truth: she either got rid of her Facebook account, or she unfriended me. (Allow me to take this opportunity to show you this commercial, if you haven't seen it).

No, but really. I don't think that's what you did. That's just what I do when someone I'm used to routinely checking in on decides to up and abandon their social media life as we know it. Truth be told, I did deactivate my Facebook account. I will not offer you some passive aggressive remarks about how I need to rid myself of the "drama," or pretend to seem cooler and more obscure than I really am (obscure is a word I only use when referring to the number of calories I consume in a day). What I will tell you is this: it was a long time coming.

At the start of this year, I made a couple resolutions - one of which involved making a genuine effort at privatizing my life, being a better friend and listener, and learning to have better human relationships instead of the ones we're so accustomed to on the Internet. Unfortunately, Facebook fits absolutely nowhere when it comes to accomplishing this. But Lauren, you could keep Facebook and just stop posting stuff about your life, you know. Yes, I could. But here's what else I'm failing on every time I open up my Facebook account at work, in line at Chipotle, or waiting at that red light - I'm learning all about YOUR life without having to have a single conversation with you about it. Doesn't that bother you? That you're telling everyone all about the details of your relationship, adulthood trials and tribulations and about your child's first baseball game without anyone even having to put forth the effort to ask you about it? If it doesn't bother you, maybe it should.

Having access to my life, private or public, is not your God given right. Before social media, you had to earn someone's trust and respect before you got the dirty details of the job they hate or access to those precious newborn or wedding photos. You had to call them on the phone, meet for coffee, or speak face to face in order to solidify a solid relationship with people. Now, we're giving it away for free. Our first instinct is to check-in, post a photo of it, and tell everyone about that hilarious thing your kid did today. I'm so guilty of it. And quite frankly, I don't know that I have the will power to continue having an account without posting those fun tidbits about my life.

Don't get me wrong, Facebook isn't all bad. It's given us a great opportunity to keep in touch with people we wouldn't normally be able to see, to stay updated on what long distance family members are up to, and it's essentially eliminated the need for me to attend high school reunions (a major win in my book). I just think we're being awfully cavalier about the personal details of our lives. I don't care where you went to dinner. I don't need to know that you got your tax return. I don't need to know the dirty details of your pregnancy - and I sure as hell don't need to know about it in the form of a four-line status infiltrated with bad grammar and punctuation. What I want to know about is who you are. Who you are when no one is looking, how you feel about your first six months of marriage, the fight you still routinely have with your parents and how having kids has 100% changed your marriage and it scares you to death. And guess what? All of those things belong in a real life, breathing conversation. Not on the Internet.

So I encourage you to still reach out to me. I'll still be making a genuine effort at reaching out to you, too. I may not see every single picture you post of your dog, or where your husband took you for dinner last night, but I still very much care about the people most important to me, and it's for that reason alone that I'm making a valid effort at having better human relationships. You'll probably see me more, and hear from me less. And I hope to know more about your life from your own mouth, and not from the personality you portray on the Internet.

Consider it my social experiment, and my heartfelt attempt at bettering my own life by doing something that, believe it or not, is actually difficult to do. I love love love utilizing Facebook to advocate for the Humane Society of Greater Dayton and to post photos and information on adoptable animals, so I will inevitably be back at some point. But a break is always good.

Also, I still have Twitter and Instagram. I got rid of Facebook, but I'm not dead. Come on.

things you need in your life

There are a few things that are making me extra happy lately. Let it be said that most of those things are easily influenced by the fact that it's almost 60 degrees and sunny outside today - a rarity in Ohio lately. Before it snows tomorrow and we all briefly go back to hating the weather, I'll recommend some of my favorite favorites to brighten your day:

Songs you should download: 

"Girls Chase Boys" - Ingrid Michaelson
"Sleeping With A Friend" - Neon Trees
"Shark Attack" - Grouplove

Worth sweating for:
A great bootcamp (find one, seriously)
Running outside. Today is a great day to start.

Feel good story of the week:
This amazing dog transformation.

You should drink:
Iced coffee (half the syrup with a splash of nonfat milk, for you Starbucks goers).
Passion tea lemonade, also at Starbucks - again, half the syrup.

Worth saving for:

Tory Burch flats. Seriously. 

Challenge yourself to:

#100happydays

Swear less.

Volunteer more. Start with animals.

Instant happiness:

Get your car washed. Or do it yourself.

Put your windows down.

Worth Crying Over:
The Chevy dog commercial. 

Cook this:

Spaghetti Squash Lasagna Boats 

Asian Chicken & Veggies with Spicy Peanut Sauce

Organizations worth supporting:

Humane Society of Greater Dayton

Halfway There Rescue

That's it, folks. Your weekly dose of how I'm staying happy. Now get off your butts and go enjoy this sunshine - because it's going to snow tomorrow. 

#100happydays

It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to be negative. It's almost natural. You sleep through your alarm, it's raining on your morning commute and the line at Starbucks is too long. Our first instinct is to think, Oh my God - EVERYONE is getting throat punched today. I do it. All. The. Time. It seems to me that being happy is the hard part. It requires a conscious effort in a world full of things that often seem specifically designed to derail your day. Our minds are so clouded by the jerk who cut us off on the highway that we fail to see the beautiful sunrise on the way to work, or we don't pay attention to the teenager who stopped to help an elderly woman load groceries into her car. I have no idea why we're like this - I have absolutely zero psychological assessment on why negativity is easier than optimism. But it's this whole idea that prompted me to sign up for the 100 Happy Days challenge.

What is it? Exactly that. Challenging yourself to find the happiness in each day for 100 days. Sign up for the challenge and post your happiness photos on your preferred social media platform. Sure, it sounds like a significant waste of social media time and energy, right? This was my first reaction, until I started realizing that it would require me to do one (or both) of these two things: First, I need to stop being so negative so I can find the happiness in each day. Second, I may have to go make my own happiness. Make your own happiness? But that sounds like so much efforttttt. Yep. And that's the point. When every single damn thing has gone wrong in a day, when you can't find the silver lining - you will have to make your own happiness. A cat nap. A friendly gesture. A few minutes of meditation. An iced coffee or a great workout. It dawns on me that it is not the world's job to provide you with epic sunsets, monumental soundtracks and strangers' good intentions so you can snap photos and declare your own kind of happy. It's an independent responsibility to ourselves to make our own happiness - by choosing to see the world differently and by forcing ourselves to squeeze in daily amounts of happiness when you just can't see it in others.

I realize there are a ridiculous amount of people participating in this challenge, so you don't need me to clarify what it means to partake. But before you sign up and start snapping photos of sunrises, think critically about what it's really challenging you to do - it's not about bogging down your Instagram feed or trying to snap photos in an angle that will get you the most "likes" on Facebook. It's for you. All. About. You.

Self-improvement and paving the road towards a more optimistic perspective seems like a no brainer, right? Stick around for weekly happiness updates and what makes me happy - in the meantime, follow me on Instagram at @closerto30 for a daily dose of what makes me smile. I'll do my best to post more than just pictures of my dogs.

the deep dark secrets of getting older.

Getting older is fun. I mean, not in the way that partying all night, making out with that cute guy at the bar and giggling about it with your college roommates at hangover brunch the next day (all on your parents' dime, I might add) is fun - but yeah, sure, growing up is fun. It's a different kind of fun - one filled with new adventures in homeownership, having enough money to take fun trips and learning what a 401k actually is and how it benefits you to have one.

But there are a few things you stumble upon when you find yourself getting older - things you never expected, and things that often come with unexpected consequences. Take for instance the fact that, 24 hours later, I'm still suffering from a food hangover from last night's dinner - and no, there wasn't even wine involved. My body is just at a point where it stops and says to me, "No, this isn't going to work out very well for you." So, without further adieu, here are the things that inevitably happen when you get closer to 30.

You will go back to your college town with all the hope and excitement of reliving that one perfect college weekend, only to realize you seriously can't hang like you used to. Between Bacardi and diets (and you're only drinking rum because the bartender looked at you funny when you asked if they had your preferred bottle of Riesling), you'll be downing 5 hour energy drinks and asking for waters. At brunch the next morning, you'll scoff at the girls who didn't have the decency to take last night's makeup off (because heaven forbid that was ever you).

You will plan out which bills you're going to pay when you get your tax return, not what new pair of shoes to buy. You will have every penny of that blessed tax return carefully put away towards debt, your upcoming vacation or new furniture investments before Turbo Tax can even ask you if you have any dependents to claim. Speaking of Turbo Tax - you'll also know how to do your taxes, instead of just handing them off to your parents and wondering what the hell a W2 is.

Your body will eventually start rejecting anything it views as "excess." Sugars, alcohol, carbohydrates and that extra beer at trivia night will now plague you for at least 24 hours. You'll question whether you're lactose intolerant, if you should go gluten free or if all that Chipotle is really all it's cracked up to be. (Spoiler alert: it is).

You will catch yourself watching 4 hours of HGTV on a Sunday afternoon and planning out how you're going to approach this year's outdoor renovation as opposed to pounding beers at the bar while watching the afternoon game. If you're still pounding beers while watching the game, you're likely doing it at your house, because that way, you don't have to wear real pants.

You will have a quarter life crisis. If it wasn't that weekend you tried to relive college, it will manifest itself in some other way, and to say that you will freak the fuck out would be an understatement. Whether you're at a concert seeing your favorite band and you realize you're surrounded by people who have X's on their hands because they're not 21, or you're passing the "you circa 2007" at the grocery store and realize his cart is full of pizza rolls and Doritos and yours is full of kale and your wife's organic granola - it will happen. There's no way to prepare. I suggest keeping a spare bottle of wine or whiskey in the house at all times.

You will have a party that has a bigger emphasis on food than alcohol. Sure, you're still going to binge drink wine, shitty domestic beer and take shots, but suddenly there are snacks. And not just snacks - delicacies from Pinterest now sit in aesthetically placed serve ware and there are plates and napkins. They're probably still plastic or disposable, but hey, we're almost 30 - we're still broke as shit.

Lowe's and Home Depot are now active words in your vocabulary - and you will pick a favorite. No one equally loves Lowe's and Home Depot. There has to be a winner. Spoiler alert: the winner is Lowe's.

One cup of coffee will no longer cut it. Nor will sugary fun drinks from Starbucks. No, your 8:00-5:00 lifestyle will merit at least two cups a day, and you'll need to establish a preferred brew because that cute, trendy Starbucks habit you picked up in your early 20s will just not fit into your new budget.

The clothes you once deemed as "dress up" clothes will soon become a thing of the past. This especially happens once you get married, as my husband has quickly learned. Now, going out to dinner typically merits a button down shirt that has - gasp - a collar. You'll learn that the only places you feel comfortable wearing a hoodie and yoga pants are the grocery store or the gym. Or, if you'd like, to Lowe's or Home Depot (but remember, not both - pick a favorite).

You will eventually learn that you cannot consume as much food and alcohol as you used to without seeing it on your body somewhere. You will also decide that, in most cases, you'd much rather eat your calories. Food > alcohol.

You will learn that the rack that scored you your first bartending job or that charming smile that got you through that impossibly hard college course with the hot GA will not earn you one single point in the real world if you don't have the work ethic, personality and brains to back it up. Anyone worth having a conversation with will care more about what you bring to the table than what you bring to the bedroom. This goes for absolutely everything, both personally and professionally. Act accordingly.


Getting older has its perks - vacation time, salaries, knowing how to cook a real dinner and being able to afford wine that doesn't come from a box are pretty fantastic, really. Consider all of this a warning though, as there are unintended consequences that often come with things like being able to afford good wine - things like being hungover (or awkwardly drunk alone by yourself on a Tuesday) after just two glasses.

before you turn 30, read this.

It seems like lists are everyone's favorite thing since sliced bread - in particular, lists by other people we don't know full of things we ought to do by the time we reach a certain age. By the time you're 25, you should know how to write a good cover letter. Newsflash: I still cannot write a good cover letter, and I'm not even a bad writer. By the time you're 30, you're supposed to have furniture that doesn't come from IKEA. But what if you have dogs who will destroy anything you ever invested money in and therefore continue to buy inexpensive furniture on purpose?

Bottom line: These lists are kind of horseshit. Let's all imagine a world where everyone's on the same page - everyone wants the same things by the time they hit a certain age, right? Wrong. I don't give one single shit if I have a piece of expensive art in my house, ever. I'd rather hang inexpensive frames full of photos of my dogs, husband, family and friends. I do not care if I ever have clean baseboards - I've accepted defeat and know that no matter how hard I try, there will always be dog hair clumped somewhere in my house, no matter how frequently I vacuum. So, without further ado, here are the things I think are worth doing, knowing or having before you turn 30. I know, I'm just another person you don't know writing a list of things I think you should do. How hypocritical is this bitch? 

Learn about your money. It is yours, after all. Whether it's the breakdown of taxes on your pays stub, which tax bracket you fall into during tax season or finally establishing your 401k (I legitimately just started this yesterday), I think investing knowledge in your money is one of the most important things in the world. If you know where it's going, chances are, you'll end up with more of it. 

Settle. No, I don't mean settle for less than you're worth or something that doesn't make you happy. But eventually, it's important to slow down and physically settle - there's something beautiful about chasing dreams, but let's not forget to embrace the life we have in this very moment. Even if it's not postcard perfection, it's still pretty perfect in its own way. 

Grammar and spelling: Figure it out. I'll toot my own horn and say that I figured this out back in middle school, so this is really just a recommendation to the rest of you. If you're quickly approaching the age where you're supposed to be able to put together an excellent cover letter according to someone else's "to do" list, you might want to know the difference between your and you're. 

Have friends who make you better. If you haven't purged yourself of the toxic relationships in your life, now's the time. Life is too short to spend time with people who don't want you to be the best version of you, and who aren't willing to help you get there. 

Stop dating the wrong people. That doesn't mean you won't still get hurt, learn or make mistakes, but if you're wasting your time sleeping with someone casually who doesn't give a damn about wining and dining you, then stop. You're better than that. You're, not your.

Take pride in what you have. It's really not about buying expensive furniture or wearing super fancy professional suits. Take care of what you have. Take pride in the money you spent to acquire whatever you have and stop treating everything like you did your first college apartment. 

Be passionate about something, and do it. Even if you're not fortunate enough to make a living off your passion, you can still find a way to incorporate it into your life. Volunteer, work part time, take time out of your busy "must-do-this-in-order-to-pay-the-bills" life to do something that truly inspires you.

Don't take your health for granted. Do whatever you need to do to appreciate your health. Eat right, quit smoking, stop drinking so much, start working out. No one says you need to run a half marathon and go on a raw diet for months on end, but you should have enough common sense to know that what you ignore about your health right now will manifest itself in the form of expensive healthcare bills and quite possibly a lot of pain later in life.

Have more than a "right now" plan. That doesn't mean you need a 10 year plan, or even a 5 year one. It does mean that it's beneficial to think more than a month or so into the future. Whether you're dreaming of a bucket list vacation that means you start saving now, or you're projecting a completion date on schooling or certification programs to better yourself professionally, it helps to have goals that go beyond the monthly "don't spend my electric bill money on these new shoes or binge eating at Chipotle this month."

Stop comparing yourself to others. Professionally, personally, geographically - just don't do it. So your friend is living the dream working in Chicago and making triple what you make, or your best friend manages to work full time, have two beautiful children, an immaculately clean home and a well-satisfied husband (seriously, all of those together are 150% impossible) - this should have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Your life is absolute perfection, even if it doesn't look like someone else's on the outside. You'll be happier if you can realize this.

Grow up and tackle your debt. Credit card debt and student loans don't go away. Shocking, right? Make a commitment to improving your credit score and your overall financial situation by tackling debt early - before things like kids, big time mortgages and potential layoffs get in the way. Make a budget - once you realize you're spending an extra $500 a month on shit you can't even pinpoint, you'll be so sick over it that you'll gladly hop on the budget bandwagon. Dave Ramsey's "Debt Snowball" is actually pretty fantastic. Look it up.

Be nice to everyone - yes, everyone. It's true what they say - your character is measured by how you treat people who can do nothing for you. I don't care if you went to college, have your doctorate or went straight into the workforce post-high school - be nice. I mean it. You're not better than anyone, and the best of us know that how you treat people says more about you than it does about them.

Keep learning. Just because you're not in school and you're getting pretty savvy at your job doesn't mean you should stop learning or exploring. Don't let the Kardashians be your only topic of conversation. Take a class, READ, do research on something so completely random just because you saw it on a billboard and you want to know more about it. Never stop challenging yourself intellectually. 

Plan a bucket list trip. Even if you won't be able to afford it this year, or for the next three years - plan it. Buy a piggy bank and dedicate spare change and cash towards funding it. Rob and I want to go to Australia - we bought a $10 piggy bank shaped like a giant shark (said like "shawwwk" in true Aussie fashion), and we throw random cash into it when we can. It'll take us forever, but we refuse to let the dream die. 

Most importantly, make your own list. You should decide what you want out of life - whether you want it before a certain age, next week or in this lifetime. You write your own story - stop reading stupid lists other people make about what you ought to be doing (except this list, because I'm fantastic). 

Happy list-making, friends!

one hell of a year.

The end of the year blog posts. I hate them. I hate sentimentally looking through my year, gushing over the moments with readers who probably don't give a damn and making my life sound so much cooler than it probably is in reality. But, after doing my Flipagram video of pictures (seriously, download the free app - it's kind of cool), it made me stop and take a moment to think about at just how awesome this year was. So, in true cliche blogger form, I have to highlight some of the biggest moments that took place this year.

Some of our closest friends got married. My best friend since childhood tied the knot with her best friend, and Rob and I's friends said "I do" just a few months before that. In addition to our own big day, we got to share in their moments as well - and it's been so fantastic to see these couples embrace marriage and grow together. I don't think I've ever caught the "marriage fever" that makes some girls giddy with glee over weddings. I think I'm just finally at a point in my life where I'm genuinely happy to share in other people's happiness.

I ran oh-so-many races. Tis the season to become a better runner, and I'm definitely no exception this year. I fell in love with running a few years ago, but I've never made more progress, both in speed and distance, like I did this past year. I trimmed a solid 5-7 minutes off my 5k pace, ran my first 10k and finished my second half marathon in 2:32:56, almost a full half hour off my time in 2011. I cut almost 10 minutes off my Turkey Trot 5 mile run and ran more races this year than ever before. I discovered the Galloway method of incorporating frequent walk breaks into run intervals, which taught me that walking doesn't make you a weaker runner - it can make you faster. And honestly, I don't say this very often - if ever, but I know I inspired people to become runners. And that makes my heart full. 

I made new friends, and renewed old friendships. Forming the Healthy Habits Dayton group has allowed me to reconnect with old friends and make brand new ones. As an adult, it's not always easy making new friends - let alone ones who continuously push you to be your best. I'm so incredibly thankful for these ladies, and for the constant inspiration and support they provide. 

I had so much fun at the lake. A new ski boat brought a summer full of new adventures with my family. We spent weekends wakeboarding and wakesurfing (let's face it - I watched), stayed on the water until the sun went down and woke up early to do it all again. We ate fresh brownies from the local general store, drank entirely too much Bud Light Lime and laughed until we cried as we rocked our seriously awesome dance moves a the local tiki bar. It was the kind of lake summer that makes you immediately start the countdown until it can happen again. 

I O-H-I-O'd on the field at the Horseshoe and in Michigan's stadium. If you're a Buckeye, this needs no other explanation. 

I got involved. It's been a longtime goal of mine to get involved with a local animal rescue organization, and I was given the opportunity this past fall when I accepted a part time position as an offsite event coordinator with the Humane Society of Greater Dayton. I'm still so new to this experience, but I'm incredibly thankful for the opportunity. We have our two big mutts at home, and though I know we can't take on anymore animals in our home, I finally feel like I'm doing something I'm passionate about. It's long overdue, but proof that it's never too late to get involved and make a difference. 

I got [more] fit. I am not at my goal weight yet. I still have progress to make, and I still have weight to lose. I've gained a cushiony 6 pounds since I got back from the wedding and am ready to devote myself back to fitness and health now that the holidays are over. I learned a lot about eating clean, about moderation in food and exercise, and about balancing life and the pursuit of weight loss. I've also learned that there is no beginning and end to this journey - and it requires a constant evaluation of how I approach my new healthier lifestyle. Most importantly, I'm learning (yes, still learning) to approach health based on how it makes my body feel, not how it looks on a scale. Also - the Air Force Marathon regram/d me. And that makes me feel fancy. 

I got married. Oh come on, like you didn't think I'd save the best for last? But really - I did get married. A year's worth of planning, coordinating with vendors through emails, not seeing anything in person except for a brief trip in April - it all paid off. We got married in Hilton Head Island, and there's not a day that goes by that I don't wish I could go back and relive that entire day over and over again. I get so overwhelmed just thinking about it that I can't even find the words to describe it (and seriously, if I can't find the words, we know it must be intense). I want to live that moment over and over again, on repeat. I want to live there, to do my morning run through the sand where we said "I do," and have breakfast on the patio like I did with the girls on wedding day. Over and over again. And again.

Photo credit goes to the lovely Jen at Carolina Photosmith

This doesn't even begin to cover it. I took a day trip to Hocking Hills with Rob and the dogs, went to Chicago, took a wedding-planning trip to Hilton Head in April, watched my brother graduate college, laughed until I cried with my family, went to baseball games, drank margaritas, celebrated friends' promotions and life changes, and laid in the grass with my dogs on warm sunny days. 

I've spent so many years coming up with lists of things I want to do. I have lists in my head of bucket list items that still sit untouched, and I feel the time desperately slipping away from me every single day. That being said, 2013 was proof of just how much we're capable of. I did so much in just 12 months, and it makes me so hopeful of what the future holds. 

We are so capable of achieving anything we want out of this life. Don't forget it. 

resolutions worth keeping.

As we approach the new year, most of you are probably mentally scrolling through all the things you'd like to accomplish next year. You'll most likely want to lose that extra weight, train for a half marathon, volunteer more, get engaged, be more organized and finally grow that garden in your backyard so you can make homemade salsa. Don't get me wrong - those are all lofty goals. I'm personally a big fan of resolutions, whether they're made in January or in the middle of the year. Anytime you decide to better yourself or the lives of people around you, you ought to be applauded. What I also think, though, is that there are so many simpler, more feasible things you can do every single day to make the world a better place. Here are some of my recommended resolutions worth keeping in 2014:

Be polite. This should be a no-brainer, but sometimes we are so self-involved that we fail to realize how unintentionally rude some of our actions are. Here are some simple things you can do to exercise this civil obligation:

• When someone opens or holds a door for you, thank them.
• When crossing a parking lot and a car stops for you to pass, show a little respect by giving them a "thank you" wave and, if physically possible, hustle your ass across the street. This goes for drivers too - if it's raining, snowing or otherwise inclement weather, stop to let pedestrians cross. Seriously.
• Be nice to customer service representatives. Usually, they're just the messenger, and if they are able to do you any favors, they sure as hell won't exercise that power if you're being a jerk.
• If you're in customer service, be nice to your customers. Part of your job is to make a consumer's experience as pleasant as possible - unless of course they're rude to you. But even then, kill 'em with kindness. 

Be more self sufficient. How much do you rely on something or someone else? Whether you're living on someone else's dime, checking your phone every 5 minutes or constantly filling your free time with trashy reality television, we could all learn to be slightly more reliant upon ourselves and less so on other people and mindless forms of entertainment. Read a book. Have a conversation. Take care of the people who take care of you. Eat those leftovers before they go bad instead of going to Chipotle instead. 

Pay it forward all year. Around the holidays, you always hear about people paying it forward. Newsfeeds are full of people who had their coffee paid for by the car in front of them, by strangers paying off gifts on layaway. Who says we can only do that in December? Surprise someone by paying it forward on a random June day, or by donating to your favorite charity organization with a fraction of your tax return instead of during the holidays. Imagine if we kept up the notion that there is still hope for humanity for 12 months a year instead of just 1 - maybe at Thanksgiving, when people are inundating your Facebook newsfeed with their "daily thankful" post, we'd have more to talk about. 

Be conscious. How many times have you arrived at work in the morning only to realize you don't have the faintest recollection of the drive there? My morning commute is so habitual, I could do it with my eyes closed. How much of our lives are we living that way? Make an attempt at being more actively engaged in your life - it is yours, after all. Instead of zoning out, turn the music up. Instead of letting your brain flatline on your way to work, think proactively about your day. Glance at the person in the car next to you and imagine what their life is like - use your imagination, think creatively, and learn to realize when you're going unconscious. 

Speak less, listen more. Make a decision right now that you will not mouth off unless you know what the hell you're talking about. So much of this country's problem is how quickly we are to speak before we listen. The freedom of speech is a beautiful thing, and technology has allowed us to really utilize this in a way that, often times, is really pretty awesome. That being said, it's also allowed us to communicate too easily before critically engaging ourselves with the topic at hand. Learn to back up your argument. Educate yourself. Stop repeating things you hear about politics, healthcare, the government, voter rights, welfare, immigration, the war, diet and nutrition, exercise, animal rights and every single celebrity who had a baby and wants you to know about it, just because you heard it from so-and-so and therefore it must be right. Imagine if we all had the tools to speak and communicate whenever we wanted, but we thought first instead of lashing out. Imagine if we actively realized that what we said on Facebook or in a text or in the comments of a news blog would actually be on a screen for someone else to see across the world. Imagine if we realized how permanent the things we say are now, how quickly spread our ideas could be - and made sure to speak accordingly. 

Go private. Social media has allowed some of our most precious moments to be publicly seen and heard across the world. Our Christmas gifts, newborn babies, new puppies, engagements, weddings and what we had for dinner are all just part of a normal day on Facebook. (Side note: I did not know how popular it was to propose to people on Christmas until yesterday's Facebook newsfeed viewing). But before Facebook, there was a time when those moments were shared with the select few people you cared about the most. The surprise dinner your husband prepared for you was made specifically for you to see, not the people from high school you don't even keep in touch with anymore who are scrolling through your photos. The engagement ring your fiance picked out was something he spent months saving for, weeks picking out and days planning the most perfect engagement. He confided in his closest friends and your families, and you just showed everyone like he picked it up at the supermarket (don't get me wrong - I totally did it too - but putting it in perspective makes you think). The pictures you post of your kids will still be on the internet in 10 years when they're old enough to Google themselves. Those are special moments. Those are YOUR moments. By all means, share things you want the world to see and know - but think critically before you take some of your most precious memories and moments and allow them to become someone else's. 

Push yourself. Think critically about the things in your comfort zone and the things outside of it. Make a resolution to force yourself outside of that comfort zone and into something you know will turn you into a better person. As for me? That's running. Half marathons take discipline and training that I don't normally have the mental or physical energy for - but making a commitment to do it makes me physically and emotionally better in the long run. Whatever you think you can't do but secretly want to - decide to do it in 2014. 

Engage. Take everything I've said up until this point, combine it all and become more engaged in your own life. Have more face-to-face conversations. Ask your grandparents questions before it's too late. Run a race. Spend too much money on the best meal of your life. Rescue an animal. Have a baby (on purpose). Chat up a stranger in a waiting room instead of mindlessly checking Facebook again. Read. Learn. Go for a walk instead of watching another SVU rerun (that one will be hard for me). Give someone a chance. Don't be so quick to judge. Soak up a beautiful sunrise on your morning commute instead of getting pissed that you got stuck behind the school bus (God, I hate that). Ask your friends questions instead of just talking about yourself. Take a minute in your most monumental moments to reflect on how you feel. 

Also, have better grammar. And don't post your shit on Facebook unless you do it with the appropriate versions of your and you're. 

Being a better person in 2014 isn't always about losing weight, eating clean and volunteering all your free time. Don't get me wrong - those are all on my list, too. But sometimes the best things you can do are the ones that change your perspective. The ones that change how you see the world, and that change how someone else sees the world. Your actions, however large or small, have the opportunity to change someone else's reality and you get to decide how that happens. How will you make 2014 a better year for you, and how will you make it better for the people around you? If you have the time, watch this:

http://postgradproblems.com/frustrated-with-growing-up-shut-up-and-watch-this-video/

Note: This post was inspired by a woman walking out of Kroger this afternoon who didn't even bother to acknowledge that I had stopped to let her pass with her Starbucks. On the bright side, without her lack of awareness, this post wouldn't exist, and I wouldn't have inspired anyone to be better in 2014. (God, please tell me I inspired at least one of you). 

It's going to be hard.

While browsing through my Facebook newsfeed today, I stumbled across a post from a person who will remain anonymous. She's a major leader in the health and wellness industry, and I actually really admire her. That being said, this person had posted a new program put on by a weight loss/fitness organization that, in all its big, bold pretty lettering, promised to make "losing weight as easy as 1, 2, 3."

I get it. Companies have to appeal to people. They have to come up with attention-grabbing, fun phrases that will attract new consumers for their product. But let's stop for a minute and think about what they're doing here. As easy as 1, 2, 3? I'm sorry, but eating a donut is as easy as 1, 2, 3. Losing weight is not. Losing weight is fucking hard. It's exhausting, time consuming and emotional. And when we believe that it's supposed to be as easy as counting to three, we're setting ourselves up for failure. Try counting to 1,000,000 in Japanese. Then we'll be a little closer.

I don't mean to deter people from making healthy changes. I just want people to have a realistic expectation of the road ahead. I want people to be inspired, motivated and encouraged by companies and organizations, not mislead by them. After a month, I don't want people to feel defeated because they haven't had the results they expected in the first place. I want people to start associating happiness with healthiness, not with weight loss. I want people to be aware. 

Instead of making weight loss look easy, let's make it look real. Let's show people's struggles, celebrate not only the successes, but the act of getting up just one more time after another perceived "failure." Let's celebrate the choice to make permanent lifestyle changes in our lives. Let's share the stories of failed attempts, good intentions gone wrong and the giant bowl of potato soup I immediately regretted after eating last night.

I don't want to believe that it's easy, and I don't want you to either. I want you to believe that incorporating healthy choices, both in food and exercise, will make you infinitely happier knowing you're treating your body well. I want you to know that making healthy eating choices, even if they don't show on the scale, is still worth celebrating.

I want you to know it's not as easy as 1, 2, 3 - and don't believe anyone who tells you otherwise.

I want you to know that you will gain some weight in the process of losing it, you will hit a goal "size" and realize it doesn't make you happy like you thought it would. You won't lose weight in all the places you want, and you'll have "trouble areas" for the rest of your life. You may realize, at some point, that your goal weight isn't going to happen - that your body won't be happy there. You will struggle to get back on track, due to this crazy thing we called "life." Things will take you off course - weddings, vacations, babies, new friends, and just plain old laziness. An SVU marathon will ruin a well-planned day of activity and you will, at some point, feel like a total dumbass in a gym, exercise class or fitness experience. You will look at yourself in the mirror and cry, laugh, celebrate and fantasize - sometimes all at the same time. You will search for motivation in some of the strangest places, and you'll get it from some of the most unexpected people. People will judge what you eat, and you'll start judging others. Worst of all - you'll start comparing yourself to others. Don't fall into this mind trap. Your happiness is yours and yours alone.

But somewhere in all of that, here's what else will happen: You'll be amazed at what your body is capable of. One day, that "I feel stupid" gym experience will turn into the "I feel like a rockstar" hour. You'll form a relationship with yourself, your body and your mind. You'll walk into that store you could never shop in and try on a size you haven't worn since high school. Sugar will make you sick - yes, that's a good thing. Learn from it. You will feel stronger, both mentally and physically, than you ever thought possible. You will post before and after pictures on Instagram and be overwhelmed with pride. You will see differences in your muscle definition way before anyone else does. You'll find yourself mindlessly choosing an apple instead of potato chips. Best of all, you will find happiness from treating your body like the temple that it is. 

Don't let anyone tell you it's going to be easy. Look around. If it were easy, we'd all be skinny healthy. But guess what? It's not easy, and that's why so many people choose the easy route. You don't have to be one of them, though. You can be stronger, fitter, healthier and yes - thinner. The best thing you can do though, is admit that it's going to be awful and hard and horrible and miserable sometimes. And, knowing all this, do it anyway.  

losing my habits.

Oh my, friends. I just looked at the date of my last post, and I sincerely apologize for the hiatus I've taken from blogging and, inevitably, for my healthy choices. The truth is, I've been avoiding blogging primarily because I've been avoiding confronting my lack of accountability lately. I refuse to blame being a newlywed as the source of my laziness. Rob and I already lived together prior to getting married so in the grand scheme of things, our lives are hardly any different than before. The months - hell, the year - leading up to the wedding were so stressful and full of meticulous planning. Every minute of every day was planned around work, workout schedules, half marathon training, wedding planning and preparation, on top of all the regular routines of life. Most of us struggle keeping up with the hectic reality of our everyday lives, and it's safe to say I took too much on at one time. Who, me? Never. 

So yes, part of my laziness lately has inevitably been due to the newlywed phase. But primarily, I've been relishing in our lives being back to normal. Normal. I hardly know what that word even means, but as I sit here cozied up with a blanket and a movie, I'm oh-so-consciously aware that I don't have any other obligations sitting on my shoulders. It's both daunting and refreshing, all at the same time.

I've always been driven by goals. Deadlines, due dates, planning and preparation. After college, you're left with so much empty time. No homework, no clubs, meetings and tests to study for. You're no longer obligated to get involved in anything you don't feel like getting involved in, but that means it takes even more gumption and initiative to give more of your time since there's really no motivation to do it anymore except your sheer desire to. That means that evenings are wide open for things like happy hours, ice cream dates, and spending hours on the couch with a good book or movie, a bowl of popcorn and a cup of hot chocolate (did you know that snacks have calories? I know, it's total bullshit).

Making the decision to fill those empty hours with workouts and cooking homemade, healthy meals was a major change in lifestyle for me. I commend myself for building the habit, for sticking with things even before I was "sweating for the wedding" or when I didn't have any major races to train for. I still indulged in life, and always will, but I somehow managed to blend weight loss seamlessly into my life until I was making choices just because it was part of my life, not because I was forcing myself to.

Have you ever stopped a habit? Have you ever built up your running mileage and then taken 2-3 weeks off? Ever swore you'd stop smoking, made it three weeks and then smoked half a cigarette from a friend at a bar? Then you know it's a downward spiral after that. Trying to hit the pavement after a 3 week running hiatus almost feels like starting over. The slightest bit of nicotine in your system can trigger an addictive quality all over again. The bottom line? You broke the habit. Well guess what? I broke the habit.

I came back from wedding wonderland 7 pounds heavier than before I left, and I'm only down about 2 of those. I'll have a day with great choices, get a workout in and spend the next two days eating all the food. I'm without a gym membership right now, and running as my only source of cardio isn't cutting it for me now that I'm not training for a race. This cold weather has me only wanting carbohydrate filled comfort meals, and the dark, cold mornings mean that morning workouts are a thing of the past. Calling this a funk, a rut or an "off week" would be a major understatement.

Yesterday, the Air Force Marathon page on Facebook shared a before and after photo I posted on Instagram shortly following my half marathon last month.

I do before and after shots all the time, mostly as a reminder to myself of how far I've come. But in this one, I had mentioned @afmarathon and they shared it on their Facebook page. It now has over 700 likes and several comments on Facebook, and I am so overwhelmed with the amount of support that's out there for not just me, but for anyone willing to make healthy changes in their lives and talk about it openly. That being said, seeing that yesterday made me feel like I'm hiding a giant secret. Because the truth is that I'm hardly on my A-game right now. I can't stop eating, can't stop making poor choices and cannot for the life of me get my healthy habits back. Those pictures show the success of dedication, motivation and determination - and right now, I am none of those things.

I will be again. And I'm hoping that by writing it openly here, I'll start a series of accountability methods because I really just hate crying wolf. Back when I kept a blog on Weight Watchers, there were a couple years where every few months had a new post about rededicating myself to the plan. I will not rededicate every few months. I will not. I will rededicate NOW, and build back up the healthy habits I know I'm capable of. 

So help me God. 

Here's to just doing it.